~Scarlett's POV~
It felt nice to have Jess in my arms that day. It seemed like so long ago that everything was perfect. Things haven't been the same for us in so long and I hated everything not being happy. My hatred for that bastard is off of the scale and no matter how much I tell myself to just forget about him, it seems nearly impossible.
I wanted to do something today, I needed to. I don't just mean get up and walk around in our bedroom, I mean I needed to fight this. I hadn't been outside my room for so long now and that had to change. I psyched myself up for helping Jess wash up. It wasn't much, but if I could get out of that room then I know it would show Jess that I'm trying. It may only be a baby step, but it's progress, right?
I could hear her downstairs with Ruby. Bowls were being placed into the sink and Jess hurried Ruby into the living room as they both sat down to watch a children's programme, before Ruby went to bed. I knew I had to do this bit by bit, so I was forgetting about Ruby for a while and just letting myself get to grips with it just being Jess and I.
I got out of bed and headed for the door of our bedroom. My hand was already shaking as it reached out for the handle. It probably sounds dramatic but I couldn't help that. My ring hit the metal and it chimed quietly. I used my other hand to stop it from shaking, and I opened the door in one quick move. If I hadn't have done that, I would have chickened out. Across the landing I gazed at blue. Pure and utter blue. Ruby's bedroom was sea themed because of her love for swimming, so the walls were blue.
My legs seemed to move towards the room. My head was crammed full of stupid little worries that I didn't even know why I did anything any more. It didn't even seem like I commanded my body to move, it just happened. I entered her room and I got goosebumps. It sank in how much I was missing out on. The photo frames placed on her wall caught my eyes. There were pictures of the three of us together at the park, and of Jess and Ruby smiling. But none of just me and Ruby. I had neglected her for so long. For so long, and it felt so wrong. I hated myself. My face dropped.
You have no idea how much I wanted to run downstairs and be with my family. To take Ruby out and just spend some time loving my daughter. I needed it. I really did. This sudden change in thought felt so good but it didn't last long. The negativity took over, my mind was covered in grey clouds and I felt bad for being in here. I felt as if I was putting her at danger again. Almost as if just being in here, would mean that someone would come for Ruby.
I felt as if I was drowning; not just because I was surrounded by Ruby's 'sea' room, but because I was surrounded by my thoughts. This was all too much. It was a big mistake just stepping outside of my room. A big mistake. My body felt heavy and without being aware of it, tears streamed from my eyes.
Was I incapable of doing the easiest of things? Getting up and walking was something I couldn't do. I was tired and fed up of living like this. It's crazy how one thing can just put you into such a dark mood for years on end. I fear life. It's effort just opening my eyes in the morning, I wish them to be closed forever. It pains me to see what I'm doing to Jess and it pains me to be living. It's a constant battle and I can't win any more. I have to chicken out. It's the only thing I can do. That's what I'm made to do. It's what has been drilled into my head for the last couple of years.
Someone called my name from behind and I saw Jess standing with her hands on Ruby's shoulders.
I didn't know what felt worse. How I was stopping myself from living my life normally, or seeing the hurt in Ruby's eyes. Suddenly, breathing became merely impossible. I panicked and began to breakdown. What was I doing here? This was a big mistake. ''Mummy!'' Ruby exclaimed, her little face lighting up. This just made me feel worse.
''Scarlett... Breathe.'' Jess spoke calmly, not wanting to make anything worse.
''Mummy, what's wrong with mummy? Why is she being this way?'' Ruby asked, puzzled.
I began screaming.
''Ruby, go downstairs.'' Jess demanded, as she came towards me, grabbing my hands to stop me from clawing my head. Ruby stood helplessly at the other end of the landing, looking bewildered.
''Ruby, I mean it, go downstairs.'' She knew what was going to happen next.
''But, Mum--''
I raced passed her and nearly knocked her flying. The only thing I heard over my crying, was her gasp as I ran into my bedroom, slamming the door behind me. I couldn't even make it to the bed, I just collapsed into a heap on the floor. My cry filled my own ears and drowned out the world. I felt like the world was crumbling on me. The bricks from the building which was my life began to fall and land on me like raindrops splat on the ground during a thunderstorm. This was a very big thunderstorm.
The clouds that surrounded me were dark and dull and right now, I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know how long I laid there for, I don't remember closing my eyes and drifting into a much needed sleep, but it happened.
A silver lining would be useful right now, but there was no point lying to myself. That wasn't what I was going to get.
A/N: This story is very sad and deep. It will be happier at some point, just bare with me and tell me if there's too much sadness/drama for you do be able to cope with!
