Stop Crying Your Heart Out - McLennon AU

3.

12th April, 1963

Paul felt the gloomy feeling as soon as he opened the door, quietly like John had asked. The whole house felt so... Empty and cold.

He closed the door, expecting to hear Cynthia's cheery voice call out to him, welcoming him him indside once again.

"Paulie! You're here!" She'd call to him, a bright smile apparent on her face. But there was no sign of her.

He knew where John would be: sat on the sofa, staring into the Moses basket at his son, looking like a ghost. An exhausted ghost.

And he was right.

"Hey..." Paul smiled, quietly, eyes filling with more concern when the man infront of him jumped at his voice. "It's just me."

"Hey Paul." John replied, refusing to look in his eyes. He walked over to the younger man, who offered him a hug in return, which he took gladly.

John's arms wrapped around Paul's waist, Paul's own doing the same. They stayed like that for a while, John's head moving to lean into the younger's chest. He moved his head, resting it on top of John's own.

His heart sank when he heard John begin to sob, arms gripping tighter.

"Oh, Paulie..." He croaked out, trying his best to be as quiet as possible. "It-It's been horrible! I expect to wake up and see her next to me, but that's not the case anymore... And I don't know how or why... I just feel so lost."

"Mhm..." Paul let the man speak, looking down to him.

"I don't even know what time it is... Or what the day is. He was up for almost all last night, every time I tried to put him in his basket he'd cry. As soon as he was out of my grip he'd cry." He still sobbed. "And I hate it when he cries! It makes me so, so scared. What if I'm hurting him?"

"You're not hurting him, John. Babies cry, it's just what they do..."

John slowly pulled away from the other man, wiping his face with the sleeve of his black turtleneck. His gaze remained on the floorboards beneath him.

"I- I feel like he knows something is wrong. It's as if he knows that I'm all he has left, and every time I'm not holding him close he feels as if I'm going to leave. Just... Just like his mother."

Paul didn't say anything, he just stared at John infront of him, his face filled with upset.

He hated seeing John like this. John was usually always the bubbly one, the one who'd always be cracking jokes here and there. But the man seemed so broken.

Paul didn't know what to do other than watch him, as he poured out his feelings.

"It's not fair... Why does all the bad shit happen to me?" He looked up to Paul this time. "Why is it me?"

His eyes pleaded for an answer, almost making Paul want to cry at the fact he couldn't give him one. Instead, the younger just wrapped an arm around him, pulling him closer again.

They stayed like that again for a while, but this time in complete silence. Paul could even now hear the light noises coming from the basket in the middle of the room.

"So... Can I see him?" He asked after a few minutes, trying to lighten the mood. But mainly trying to break the eerie silence that had once again fallen through the house.

"Mhm... He's just- you know where he is." John released himself from Paul's arm, sniffing again, before walking over to the basket. "He's not a very deep sleeper, so stay at this volume." John's voice was barely above a whisper.

"Alright." The older man stepped back a bit so that Paul could peer inside of the basket, his face lighting up as he did so. "He's gorgeous!"

Paul was expecting a witty comment such as: 'of course he is, he's mine.' But it never came.

"Yeah, he is."

After a few seconds of studying the baby infront of him, he looked back up to the other man, who was now once again staring into space.

"Hey, c'mon. You look shattered. Up to bed with you."

"I can't... I can't leave him." John quickly said, eyes widening in shock at that sentence. "I know you said that you would watch him, but what if he wakes up and cries because I'm not there? Oh god, he would be cryin' because of me..."

"John, he's only just gone down, hasn't he? Like 15 minutes ago?"

"Y-Yeah." John sighed, nodding.

"He won't be up for a long while. I'll be extra careful."

"Fine. But if he starts crying, I'm comin' down."

"I'm not goin' to stop you from doin' that, John."

John nodded again, walking past Paul and heading for the door, not looking back.