Everlark: Midnight

Chapter 11

The rest of the day was calm. Peeta stayed by Katniss's side, but she was quiet, almost silent. She was in her own thoughts, thinking of everything, thinking of ways that she could have avoided all this hurt. She did that often and it only brought her pain, and Peeta saw that. He saw it in her expression, her hollow grey eyes that stared out into the rain.

So, as she sat by the door, continuing to look out at the raindrops, Peeta stood, her hand still in his.

She looked up at him, questioning silently what he was doing. He smiled slightly down at her as an idea drifted into his mind and extended his hand down to her.

"Come on." He whispered.

"Where?" Katniss said distracted by her own thoughts.

"Just trust me." Peeta's soft words and blue eyes were the only answer she needed, so she allowed him to pull her up.

As he led her to the hallway of her study, he stopped in the doorway of the study. He turned away from the study and stared down the empty hallway.

He knew that the memory Katniss had just relieved for him was draining and took a toll on her, so he believed it was his time to share something that was hard for him. He wanted to share a time where he wasn't himself, when he was the mutt the capitol created.

"When I was let out of the hospital in 13, this how I tried to find myself. How I tried to find my real memories." Peeta said looking back at Katniss, who stared at him, bewildered.

"First step, my home is district 12." He took a step with his words as Katniss stayed still. "Second step, I was in the games and the capitol kidnapped me." He stayed straight forward as he spoke and took another step. Katniss followed behind him, listening to his every word.

"Third step, my family died in the mass bombing by the capitol." He took another step as his eyes fell onto the ground. "Fourth step, I was hijacked. Katniss Everdeen is a good person, she's not the mutt the Capitol wanted to make me believe." He spoke this, looking back momentarily to see Katniss. Peeta took another step forward. "Fifth step, my glossy memories are fake. I can't trust them." He took another step and looked up at the wall in front of him. He had reached the end of the hallway.

He then turned all the way around and looked back at Katniss who stood only a few steps back. She stared at him, and he could see the hurt in her eyes.

"This is what I told myself every step took, and then I'd repeat and repeat it until I believed it." He looked down at his feet remembering being delivered to Katniss's team in the Capitol.

"This is what I told myself when we were going through the roads of the capitol on our way to kill Snow. This was when I truly was the mutt that they had created." He looked at Katniss and saw her vulnerable tears, and he felt some streaming down his own face. "I tried so hard to keep my episodes from occurring, I never wanted to go after you, let alone kill you. It wasn't me." Peeta swallowed hard, "I'm sorry it took me so long to come back to myself." He muttered under his breath. He spoke a little longer, but Katniss couldn't hear it, nor did she need to.

Instead, she began walking towards him and as she did, Peeta opened his arms for her. As her body hit against his and her arms wrapped around her neck, Katniss pulled him close as Peeta's arms wrapped around her waist. He buried his head into his hair and closed his eyes.

"I'm so sorry." Katniss trembled as she whispered this to Peeta, her heart breaking. He lifted his head at her words and spoke immediately.

"It's not your fault." He whispered back, and this caused Katniss to step back. He let go as her body unfolded from his and she stared at him.

"If it wasn't for me, the capitol would have never tortured and hijacked you." Her tears were few, but they ran down her face.

"No, you don't know that. That isn't your fault." Peeta shook his head, staying stern in his words.

"I was the Mockingjay and he was punishing me. He knew that hurting you would hurt me." Her voice was breaking as she spoke.

"Katniss, stop." Peeta stepped forward so that distance between them was close to none. "You saved us. You saved us all. There's no more games or reapings. You saved thousands of people, you united the districts, you helped stop Snow, you helped form a better government."

Her lips were quivering as her voice broke. "But I lost Prim..." She started to sob, "And it only hurt you." Peeta placed his hand onto her cheek and wiped away the tears that were falling.

"But I'm still here.... I'll always be here." He whispered as he caressed her soft cheek. Katniss's tears began to slow, and her eyes grew softer. "You can't blame yourself, Katniss. I won't let you." Peeta said to her. "Promise me you won't?" He pleaded, and as his bright blue eyes looked into Katniss's, she promised him.

"I promise." She whispered with a slight nod. Peeta then pulled her into a tight embrace as she gripped his loose shirt.

Katniss held him tightly, and although she knew she would never stop blaming herself, she did vow to keep her promise to Peeta, she was going to try. She owned him that much.