Broken Labels

chapter 30

I can't stop I just wanna die it hurts so bad.  I don't wanna wake him up.  Maybe if I call the hospital I can make it back before he wakes up. Its two am it hurts so bad.  My stomach is cramping and my throat is in fire from vomiting.  I have to go if I can just make it downstairs.  I pull his arm off of me and he stirs awake. Damit!   S" where are you going? ".  Lie think of some lie.  Me" I'm thirsty ".  He gets up to reach for my water and I can't hold back anymore.  Me" I need to go to the hospital.... please....... I was gonna go and come back but I can't lie to you "    I start to cry and he pulls me close.   Me" ouch!  That hurts ".     S" I'm sorry ".   I lay on the bed and lose my mind.  Me" I just wanna die I can't do this anymore! ".    S" yes you can babe your strong,  do it for me please live for me. ".    I look at his face and he tears up.  Me" don't cry.... When you cry it kills me. I can't see you like this ".  I lay on my back an cover my face.  S" look at me!  I would die without you why do you wanna leave me? ".   He breaks down and I feel like shit.  I am being so selfish I didn't stop and think of how he felt.  That hurt me to the core.  I held his face and wiped away his tears.  Me" I love you,  I'm sorry ". He came over top of me and kissed me and we cried like we both needed to for a long time. 

We pulled up to the hospital and he took me inside.   Smelled like chicken soup and coffee.  I was hungry.  S" I will make you some when we get home.  ".  Me"  I'd love that ".  He kissed my cheek and we sat in the waiting room.   Two hours in he had fallen asleep on my lap.   He was so worn out taking care of me,  I didn't dare to wake him.   The doctor handed me a blanket to put over me,  I instead took it off  & placing it onto him.

Back in my room,  I turned in the TV and got comfortable.  It was gonna a very long wait.  My stomach had calmed down and I was less anxious about life. Whatever was supposed to happen would work out for me in the end.  I was ready good or bad.  The test results came back and the doctor filled me in on the findings. D" ok I have good news and well there's some bad which my dear would you like first? "

Auh hell. What could be that bad.  Me" good news ".   D" your cancer is slowly getting less and less , so that's a good sign the chemo is working beautifully. Annnnnnnd well ".     Me" I can take it ".   He sat by my bed and took a deep breath,  right then I  started to worry.  D" you had a tubal  pregnancy, you lost the baby. There was no way out would have survived, I'm so sorry ".  I couldn't breathe of think or even begin to imagine how in the hell i would tel him about this. That's it, I won't tell him.  It was better left unsaid.  He had been through enough with me.  One day I will, just not now.