Noir

Chapter 12 - Penance

I felt like I had been hit with a ton of bricks, square in the chest. Yixing was the solider, Yixing was my soldier all along. I had given my heart to him as the soldier, not as my husband, and this was betrayal at the utmost. How could he have possibly felt, knowing that I hated who he really was but loved the man in disguise? I had caused him so much pain, and now he was slipping through my fingers, dying in rescuing me.

"Yixing!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, clutching his face in my hands. "Look at me! Please!"

"Milady," Yifan knelt beside me. "We need to get out of here."

"Yixing needs help!" I was hysterical, and I grabbed Yifan by the shirt. "He's going to die!"

"And you will too, if you don't run!" He cried. "Luhan! Take her out of here. I'll take Yixing."

Luhan pulled me to my feet, and I watched as Yifan lifted my husband into his arms, carrying him bridal style. "Take her to the main hall," Yifan ordered. "I'll be there with Yixing."

I was still crying hard, and Luhan had to practically drag me away towards the main hall, one arm in mine and the other gripping his sword. "He'll be alright, milady," He said over and over again, and we reached the main hall. Once inside, Yixing was laid down on the floor, solemn and unconscious.

"My son!" Yimou cried in anguish, and ran over to him, falling on his knees. "How has this happened?"

"Is there a doctor here?" I seized Luhan by the arm, and saw him staring fixedly at Yixing, who was covered in blood. They were taking off his armor, and tore away his shirt, and there was a horrible wound, so ugly and garish I could barely look.

"It's so deep," I heard someone say, and I turned away, a fresh wave of tears coming over me. This was all my fault. If I hadn't been unfaithful, if Yixing hadn't been there to stop his father, if he hadn't had to go to explain... Someone else would be on death's gate. I felt like it should be me.

"Milady, this way," Luhan said, pulling me away from Yixing. He sat me down in a chair, and took a piece of linen, beginning to wrap it around my wounded arm. With all of the adrenaline, I hadn't even noticed the pain. "Please try to calm down. You're going to hurt yourself."

"Luhan, he's going to die!" I cried. "And it's my fault!"

"My Lord is strong," Luhan said fiercely. "He will find the strength to pull through. And he loves you, Jikyung. As long as you are here, he will keep on fighting."

I buried my head in my hands. Did everyone but me see that Yixing loved me? "Luhan..." I said shakily, and the whole story came spilling out, everything from the first time I had tried to run away to how Yixing-as-the-soldier had kissed me on the roof. Everything came out in a tearful confession, and I watched as Luhan's face changed from confused to sympathetic to intrigued. I even told him about Li Yuen's words to me, and Yimou's retaliation and Luhan looked disgusted.

"I don't deserve him," I said, my eyes going back to Yixing's body. Men surrounded him, and I could only see the top of his head. "That should be me lying there, not him."

Luhan was quiet for a long time, and I realized that he might hate me, after hearing about all I had done. I was so unbelievably shallow. Yixing had tried to establish a relationship with me on his own, and I had been so fixated on rejecting him that he had to hide behind a soldier's uniform to try and win my heart. 

"Milady," Luhan said slowly, offering a handkerchief. "We all make mistakes. No one is perfect."

"But because of me, Yixing might die!" I protested and got up quickly, walking away from him. I didn't deserve his company, I didn't deserve any of this. I watched out the window as the reinforcements took out the Huns, as soldiers from both sides fought and fell. I knew that I was not the cause, but with everything going on, I could not feel like I wasn't at fault.

++

It was early morning when the manor was deemed safe again, and I went to Yixing and I's room. It seemed so empty and bare now, and I slowly changed into a dress. My mind flashed back to the first day, remembering how he had helped me tie the wrap around my waist, and I knew that I couldn't do that on my own, so I went without it.

They had moved him to a private room, where doctors were attending to him, but I hadn't reached news of his condition yet. I walked out of our bedroom, my eyes red and raw from crying, and with each step, I shivered, not with the cold, but from knowing that I could very well lose Yixing at any moment.

"How is he?" I asked one of the soldiers outside his room. My heart felt like I had taken the blow of the sword, but I couldn't possibly know the amount of pain Yixing was in.

"He's conscious, milady," The soldier replied. "But he has lost a lot of blood. He keeps asking for you."

"For me?" I asked, taking a step back. I couldn't go in there! How could I look Yixing in the eyes after all that he'd done for me? "I - I can't."

"Why can't you?" He asked in confusion. "I'm sure that it would make him feel better to see you."

"I...I...he needs to rest," I said weakly. "I wouldn't want to disturb him."

"Nonsense, milady," The soldier said, pushing open the door. A protest caught in my throat when I saw Yixing lying on a bed, looking frighteningly pale. I stood in the doorway in complete shock, as his gaze turned to me, and everything I had tried to say just stopped.

"Jikyung-ah," He said, his voice sounding tired and old. "Are you alright?"

"Yixing..." I murmured, running to him and kneeling at his bedside. "I am so so sorry." I bowed my head in shame, tears once again coming to my eyes.

"I am a horrible, shallow person. I was blind to you, and I am so sorry. I do not deserve your compassion."

"Oh, Jikyung..." He murmured, lifting my head up in his hands. "It's not your fault - "

"You're angry with me," I said, my lip quivering. "You hate me, isn't it true?"

"Of course I do not hate you," He said, sounding offended that I would even think of that option.

"It was you all along," My voice caught in my throat, and I began to cry. "It was you this whole time. I've said some terrible things, I've pushed you away when all you wanted to do was help."

"Come here," Yixing said soothingly, motioning for me to get on the bed beside him. I obeyed, climbing next to him and curling into his shoulder, beginning to weep harder.

"I forgive you, Jikyung, you know that."

"How can you?" I asked, tears streaking down my cheeks again. Yixing caught them with his thumb and wiped them away.

"I love you," He murmured gently, his weary eyes full of compassion. "And I wasn't going to give up on you, no matter the cost."

He kissed me then, and I kissed him back, feeling more safe and secure than I ever had been. And I realized that I loved him too, that I loved Zhang Yixing, not the masked soldier.

"You're missing the wrap on your dress," He teased when we pulled apart, and I smiled through my tears.

"Then I suppose I need someone to help me put it on," I smiled back, reaching for his hand.

"I suppose you do," He smiled wearily back, and in that moment, I fully believed that everything was going to be okay.