Noir

Chapter 16 - Adjustments

"He can't do this," Yixing paced our old bedroom, running his palm down the side of his face. "He can't! He gave his word that I wouldn't have to serve, and now he takes it back?"

I was sitting on the bed, my elbows resting upon my belly as I held my head in my hands. "Yixing, would it at all be possible that I could go with you?" I asked timidly and he turned around sharply.
"No," He said fiercely. "Not in a million years."

"Not to fight! I could cook for the barracks, or do anything! I would be out of harm's way, and at least I would be with you!" I got up and Yixing took me by the arms, resting his forehead against mine. 

"And what of the child?" He asked softly. "What about our baby? A barracks is no place for an infant, much less my wife." Yixing looked upon me sadly, kissing my forehead. A tear ran down my cheek.
"I love you," I whispered. "I don't want to lose you."

"Nor do I, you!" Yixing exclaimed, his face crumpling in frustration and sadness. "Jikyung, I just don't see why he could take me away from you, especially now - "

"At least he had the mercy to allow you to stay until the baby is born," I said quietly, sitting back down.

"A baby that may never know it's father," Yixing said bitterly, and I began to cry.

"Don't..." I flicked away a tear. "Don't say that. You will live, Yixing."

He turned, seeing how upset I was and knelt before me, taking my hands in his. "I shouldn't have said that, Jikyung-ah," He murmured, kissing each hand. "I'm sorry, I never should have put that thought in your head."

"I almost lost you," I said, my voice breaking, and he got up, wrapping me in his embrace with strong arms. "I don't want to again."

Yixing held me close for a while, and I relaxed a little, feeling his chest rise and fall against mine. "I promise that I will come back to you and our child," He whispered, gently stroking my hair. "We will be a family again soon."

++

We said our goodbyes to Wu Yifan the next day. I had told Yixing about Luhan, and my husband had instructed him to return to the summer home in secret. But nevertheless, I could not help but feel terribly guilty, because now Yifan was forced to go to war.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered as I embraced him, feeling a lump rising in my throat. Yifan was dressed in uniform, and in his armor, he looked ready to fight, ready to die for his kingdom. "This was our fault for taking you with us. I'm sorry that you didn't have time to return with Luhan."

"It is not your fault, Milady," He released me.

"This would have happened eventually."

"It shouldn't have happened now - "

"I must serve my family, my Lord," Yifan said stoically, placing his helmet on his head. "My duty is to my country, and I have my honor to withhold."

"Of course," I hung my head, and Yifan cast a soft, sad smile down to me.

"I wish you the best of luck with the baby," He said and I managed a soft smile, holding a hand over my stomach. "I am sure that you will be an excellent mother."

"Thank you," I said quietly, knowing that this most likely would be the last time I ever saw him. "Stay safe."

++

Our return to home was quiet and solemn. Luhan was waiting patiently for us, and his face so obviously conveyed his sadness and guilt for Yixing I could almost barely look at him. This continued for weeks, in the heavy silence without Yifan there, and knowing that my husband would be soon to go as well.

As time passed, it became harder and harder to walk and move around. The littlest things tired me, even getting up out of bed seemed to be a chore. Part of me wanted this baby to be born as soon as possible, just so I could move freely again, but with one life meant the exchange of another, and I wasn't sure who I loves more: my unborn child, or my husband.

I was scared to face motherhood alone, and one day, I heard Yixing speaking to Luhan quietly in the garden. "You know that it is your job to protect her and the child," Yixing was saying in a low, dark voice. "In my absence, I need your word that you will be loyal to her. If the Huns were to come here - "

"My Lord, the Huns would have no reason to come to this place," Luhan answered.

"But in the event that they do, I need you to do whatever it takes to save them," Yixing looked frightening, the way he was talking about this. "I may not return. This war has been reported to be incredibly bloody, and if the baby doesn't have a father, I need you to step in. Will you do this for me?"

"Anything, My Lord," Luhan said determinedly. "My loyalties lie with you, Jikyung, and the child. I am yours."

I turned away in tears, fleeing to the edge of the lake. Did Yixing really count on dying so much that he asked Luhan to step into his place? My heart was shattered, and part of me would have preferred to carry this child forever, if it meant that Yixing could stay. I sobbed, burying my head in my hands, and my shoulders shook against the banks of the lake. It was cold outside, winter still barely clinging to life, and keeping the air freezing, but I didn't want to go back inside, not wanting to look upon the face of a man who was certain that he would die. "Yixing..." I moaned, shaking with sobs. I didn't know what I would do without him. If he were to perish, I could not raise his child without him. 

++

As the final weeks of my pregnancy arrived, Zhang Yimou came to visit, stating his was on orders from the governor to make sure that Yixing was to leave after the child's birth. I was terrified around him, and if Yixing was not always around me, Luhan was there so that I never had to be alone around Yimou. I felt like he was betraying his son, coming into our home like this and making sure that he left on time, but I never said a word to Yixing, knowing that he must be equally as miserable. He had reluctantly taken out his armor again, and when he thought that I was asleep, I knew that he was outside with his father in the middle of the night, training and getting stronger. It broke my heart when I awoke in the middle of the night, finding the bed empty beside me, and hearing the muffled sounds of Yixing striking and kicking a dummy in the courtyard. He would soon be gone, and there was nothing that I could do but wait until this child was born.
On a night not unlike that one, I went into labor.