Noir

Chapter 11 - The Night Soldier

Yixing set me down before our bedroom, his touch careful and gentle as he bent to place me on the ground. His hands were careful not to touch my back, and he was silent as he did this. I stood before the doorframe, watching him go inside without me. I dried my eyes with my sleeves and watched my husband go over to our bed and sit down, holding his head in his hands. I was terrified to speak a word to him, afraid that anger would suddenly overcome him, and Yixing would kill me in a fit of rage. He had every right to be angry with me. I had been just about the worst wife in the world to him. 

It was a mid-afternoon now, and I felt fatigued and a little hungry, given how I hadn't eaten much of a breakfast. However, I was afraid to sit down on the bed beside Yixing, and too ashamed to ever look him in the eye again. "Jikyung," He said quietly, finally. "Please sit down. You must still be in a great deal of pain." Yixing got up and I flinched as he passed by me, but instead of touching me, he went out into the hall, calling over a servant and asking for something to eat.

I quietly retreated to the bed and sat down on the edge, bowing my head. I couldn't bear this suspense, this patient waiting game that Yixing was playing with me. In a couple of minutes, Yixing returned with a bowl of noodles and chopsticks, and handed them to me with both hands formally. "Please eat," He said and I frowned, tears coming to my eyes once more.

"Yixing, you're angry with me, I know you are," I said. "Just talk me, please."

"You've been through a traumatic experience," Yixing said firmly. "You need to eat." I sighed, obediently taking a couple of bites. "Are you in much pain?"

"My pain isn't important," I said, frustrated that he was brushing this all aside. "Yixing, we have to talk about this!"

"They hurt you - " He stood up angrily, and I set my bowl down and did the same. 

"I was unfaithful!" I cried, a tear shooting down my cheek. "And you act like it doesn't even matter! You act like what I've done is nothing! You're more concerned that I am hurt, Yixing, and that's not fair, not to you. You've been so patient, so good to me, and every time I do something horrible, you act like it doesn't matter, you just so easily forgive me, Yixing..." I covered my mouth with my hands, shaking slightly. He stood before me, watching me with a broken look on his face.

"I love you, Jikyung," He finally said quietly, which only made things worse.

"And I don't deserve you, not at all," I wiped away my tears, but they just kept on coming.

"You are so selfless, so kind, and you have been nothing but a loving husband to me. And it isn't fair to you, not in any scenario, because I don't love you, Yixing." I saw the hurt in his eyes, and nearly began to weep myself. "I don't love you, and I can't love you, because the man on the roof...I - I love him. I choose him, Yixing, and I will always choose him. I'm sorry."

I fell to my knees, bowing before him and weeping softly. My admittance of the truth came out like floodgates being let open, and now every emotion under the sun was coursing through me, relief, pity, sadness, and fear, fear that now Yixing knew he had no chance, he would finally become angry with me.

"Jikyung," He said slowly. "I need to show you something, and I want you to just promise to bear with me, alright?"