Noir

Chapter 13 - Absolution

When Yixing finally dozed off, after much protestation on his part, I stayed with him, our hands intertwined together. Blessedly, we were given some privacy together, and the door was closed as the morning sunrise began to shine through the curtains. My fingers smoothed down his hair, adjusted his fresh, clean tunic, and made sure that the bandages over his wound were clean and not bleeding through. Yixing was sound asleep, and once I was sure that he was comfortable, I fell asleep beside him, curling up on his shoulder and burying my head into his arm. 

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I awoke shortly after Yixing, and by then, it was past noon. "Is it really so late already?" I asked, as a servant brought in food.

"I still feel exhausted," He replied. "I suppose this is lunch now, isn't it?" He set the tray on his lap, wincing slightly. "We never got to really finish this."

"Yixing," I asked softly. "Can you tell me how you did it?"

"How I did what?"

"How you were the soldier? How you got home before your party was supposed to, and how it was only you. How did you make your voice sound different?"

"I can understand your curiosity," He said, offering a bowl of sticky rice my way. "And I'll do my best to explain. On the first night you ran away, I got out of bed quickly after you left. I didn't realize that you were running away at first, but when I did, I knew you wouldn't react well if you saw me coming after you. So I changed into my soldiers uniform, pulled up my mask, and lowered my voice so you wouldn't recognize me, like this." Yixing dropped his voice half and octave and it sounded unsettlingly like the soldier's. "I wasn't thinking it through. But it spiraled out of hand. When I was away, I changed into my uniform on my way back and rode ahead. I was anxious to see you again, and when I saw you running away again it broke my heart. Jikyung...when you told me that death was a better fate than this, I was so afraid for you. I didn't want to leave your side, so when you snuck out the third time, I changed quickly and joined you in the garden. After yesterday, when I left you to wait for me, I was going to show you that I was the soldier." Yixing paused, collecting himself. "Jikyung, do you still feel this way? Do you still think that death is a better fate than being my wife?"

I turned away from him then, looking out the window. "I was scared...and hurt," I said quietly. "I missed my home, I missed my family, and I missed the way that things used to be. I was frightened...frightened of you. I thought that death would be my only escape after you caught me running away the second time."

"Jikyung..." Yixing reached for my hand. "I'm so sorry."

"It's over now," I bowed my head, squeezing his hand tightly. "I love you now. That's all that matters."

"Jikyung, I hurt you," I turned to look at Yixing and saw he was physically distraught. "Why didn't I listen to you? Jikyung, this is all my fault."

"I told you, it's nothing!" I exclaimed. "Can we please just move on?"

"I was selfish," Yixing said doggedly. "I was greedy, and thinking only of myself. I let my own desire get ahead of me, and I hurt you."

"Yixing - "

"I hurt you!" He repeated, angry now. "Something I swore never ever to do! Jikyung, you don't understand." Yixing let go of my hand and pushed hard against the mattress, trying to get up with a Herculean effort. His abdomen where his wound was seized him suddenly with pain, and I saw him grimace as he fell back down on the mass of sheets and pillows. "Yixing, don't hurt yourself," I said soothingly, stroking his cheek with affection. He seemed to me like a wounded lion, horribly injured, yet still trying to retain his pride. "I forgive you, alright? What's past is past; we can't change it. I'm here now though, and I love you. That's a promise."

I kissed him then, closing my eyes and blindly accepting him. Yixing was startled at first, and I realized that this was the first time that I'd voluntarily kissed him knowing who he really was, and this was all right with me.

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When Yixing was well enough to travel, he and I moved to the Zhang's summer home, a small, private, secluded house on the banks of a small lake, so that he could recuperate easily, without the stress of another attack. The governor allowed this, exempting him from military service and allowing a few servants and guards to stay with us. We did not go with Yimou, and Yixing, as well as Yifan, Zitao, and the others were very protective of me. If I ever left Yixing's side for anything, and was on my own in the house, I always had an escort with me, to ensure that Yimou and Li Yuen were not alone with me, and were further enough away to be unable to cause me harm.

The trip to the summer home was uneventful, and Yifan and Luhan went with us on our journey. It was only they and several servants who stayed with us at the house, as Yixing recuperated and got better day by day. And at last, it seemed, everyone knew peace, and all would be well.