Noir

Chapter 19 - Desertion

Yixing was covered in blood, so much of it that I wasn't even sure if it were his own. Half of his face was covered with dried blood, and his uniform was battered and filthy. He carried himself as a man who had walked a thousand miles would, and leaned in the doorframe to support his weight. Yixing looked so different from two months ago, that I could scarcely recognize him.

"How...how..." I stammered, gingerly setting down the baby. Tears smarted in my eyes, and I felt something rise in my throat. "You're here."

"I had to see you," He said quietly, his voice sounding hollow. "I couldn't..."

I took a few ginger steps towards him, my hand extended. Was this even real? How had he gotten here? "How are you back?" I asked, getting closer to him. Yixing reached out and took my hand in the air, holding it over his face. I could feel his skin underneath my hand, and a tear slid down my face. He was really here. Yixing was really home. I wrapped my arms around him, and he crushed me into a hug, holding me close. I began to softly cry, burying my head into his shoulder, and feeling his body rise rapidly up and down, I knew that he was crying as well.

"I couldn't be away from you any longer," He wept, his body shaking against mine. "Jikyung, it was so bad. It was so horrible. The people there...The dead I saw..."

"Shh..." I murmured, as he felt to his knees, bringing me with him. "It's okay. I'm here now." I gently took off his helmet to see a still bleeding head wound, and set it on the floor. "We need to clean you up."

"Jikyung-ah...I killed people," Yixing broke down, and I gently wiped his eyes, pressing my lips to his forehead. "This blood is not all mine." I shuddered at the thought of Yixing wielding a sword, killing another man. Still, I knew that this was a thought that I had harbored for a while. This was a war, he would be forced to do terrible things.

"I know," I said quietly, gently helping him out of his armor. "We'll talk about this later. The most important thing is that you're here now."

"I deserted," Yixing admitted, and I froze. 

"You what?"

"I couldn't stand there a second longer knowing that my wife and child were at home alone, without me," He said miserably, and I noticed Luhan sleepily walk in from the corner of my eye. "I was cowardly. I dishonored my family name..."

"We'll talk about this tomorrow, alright?" I said gently, and turned to address Luhan, who looked shocked. I was stunned as well, this new information coming as a complete surprise. I didn't want to think about the punishments for desertion, and what Yixing would face if he were caught. "Luhan, could you prepare a hot bath, please?"

"Right away, Milady," He hurried off, and I continued to carefully undress Yixing, helping him out of his clothing. He was filthy, and covered in mud and blood, but he was home. I bent down and kissed him, tenderly caressing his cheek. Yixing seemed surprised, and I knew he hadn't been affectionate with someone in a long time.

"I love you," I murmured. "No matter what."

"I don't deserve you," Yixing murmured, and I kissed him again, cutting him off. Kneeling before him now, my hands caressed his face, holding him softly close to me. "After all this time, you've waited - " He murmured, breaking the kiss just to say this.

"Of course I waited," I murmured. "I would wait forever. Come with me."

I stood up with him and led him down the hallway to the washroom. I noticed he was limping, carrying his right foot oddly. What other wounds had he sustained in battle?

I carefully peeled off Yixing's tunic and took off his trousers before he stepped obediently into the washtub. As gently as I could, I washed his hair and dressed his head wound, and moved downwards from his shoulders. It was like washing a small child, I thought, I had to do if all for him. Yixing stared blankly at the water before him, silent and expressionless. I wondered what he had seen, the horrors of war so apparent in his eyes.

"They'll kill me if they find me," He said finally, and I looked at him in concern, pulling him out of the tub and wrapping a towel around him. Yixing appeared to come to life somewhat, and began to dry himself. Bruises covered his body, and I was filled with overwhelming pity.

"Tomorrow," I murmured softly. "We'll talk about this tomorrow." Truthfully, I was scared to confront this issue myself. Yixing had committed a serious offense by deserting, and I had no idea what would happen if he were caught here. What kind of trouble would Luhan and I get into for harboring him?

"How is the baby?" He asked, tying the towel around his waist.

"Getting bigger by the day," I replied softly, and remembered with a jolt that I had left her asleep alone. I hurriedly set off down the hallway, Yixing following me.

We found Luhan in our bedroom, holding the fussing child and trying to soothe her. Upon seeing this, I felt even guiltier, as Luhan sheepishly turned to us. "I heard her crying...I think she's hungry."

"I'm sorry," I murmured, feeling horrible as I took my baby from his arms and began to rock her carefully. I didn't want to nurse while Luhan was in the room, and looked at him expectantly.
"I'll leave you be," Luhan bowed, getting the hint, and left the room. The baby was fussing, her face clenched up angrily, and I opened the top of my dress to nurse her.

"I'm so sorry," I soothed, speaking softly to her to calm her down. "This has really been hard on you, I know."

"She looks just like you," Yixing said, and I knew he longed to hold her, after all this time. He came and sat beside me, gingerly touching the side of her cheek with his finger, as though she might break. "I wish I could have been there for you, Jikyung. I should have been there to help you."

"It's not your fault," I murmured, looking up at him patiently. "You had to go. There was no choice."

Yixing was quiet for a while, watching our daughter for several long minutes. When she was finished, he took her into his arms, holding her as if she were lost treasure. I could see the tears form in his eyes as she clung to her father's bruised and bare chest, and he gently spoke to her. "I love you," I heard him say over and over, until she had fallen asleep against his shoulder.

I had since crawled back into bed, watching the scene. Yixing's return had been exhausting, and I was relieved when he slid into bed beside me. "It's been such a long time," I murmured, curling up to him. Just feeling his arms around my body again brought back comfort I thought might have been forever gone. "I missed you so much."

Yixing kissed my forehead, and I nuzzled into the hollow of his shoulder. "You were what kept me going," He murmured. "I thought of you and the baby every minute of every day. All I knew was that I had to get back to you."

I smiled softly, choosing to momentarily forget the means in which he had left. And for the first time in forever, I fell into a peaceful sleep, safe in his arms.