Noir

Chapter 6 - Desperation

That night, I couldn't fall asleep, as hard as I tried. I lay, trapped by Yixing's arms lazily around me, and stared at the wall, trembling as my mind rehashed the scene over and over again. If that was what the rest of my life was going to be like, then I didn't want to live anymore.

Over the next couple of days, I barely spoke to my husband, resigning myself to the fact that I was basically his whore now. Yixing's friends were here quite often, discussing the war and their impending enlistment, and I prayed dearly that Yixing would be forced to go. I knew that he must have told his friends about our first time, because I recognized the smug look on Chen's face, or the sudden bales of laughter from the group, followed by nudges and the odd dirty joke.

I longed to run away from this terrible place and go back to Korea, back to my old life where at least I had somewhat of a choice.

One day, Yixing approached me, looking solemn. "Jikyung-ah, I have to tell you something," He said. "My father and I must depart for the governor's house this afternoon. I'm sorry to leave you, and I won't be back until very late tonight."

"Why are you leaving?" I asked, although I couldn't care less. Another night without Yixing meant another night without his eyes sadly on me, knowing that I was unhappy but wanting to make love to me again, all the same. I wouldn't miss it.

"My father is trying to negotiate out of my enlistment," He sighed. "But the governor wants to speak to us anyway. You will be well-protected here, so please don't worry. Chen, Yifan and Zitao will all stay here through the night."

"How noble of them," I bowed. "My wish is that you return home safely."

"I will," Yixing bent down to give me a short kiss, and before I knew it, he was gone.

My heart surged with joy, and I fled to my room, finding a bag and packing a coat and warm socks and shoes. I could run away tonight now that Yixing was gone and - 

"Milady?" There was a knock on the door, and I hastily shoved the bag under our bed before getting up quickly and opening it. Wu Yifan stood there, dressed in soldier's clothes but without the armor.

"Wu Yifan," I bowed, smiling nervously. "What is the pleasure?"

"I just wanted to check up on you," He replied.

"After my lord told you the news of his departure, I saw you run into your bedchambers. I assumed that you were upset, and I wanted to see what I could do. Forgive me." He bowed low, and I was surprised that he was speaking to me so formally. I did not know Yifan's position, but by the way he called me "milady" and Yixing "my lord", I knew he must be beneath the Zhang family. 

"There is no need to forgive, I can see you were merely being kind," I smiled at him, thinking that maybe Yifan was different from the others. "I'm alright. Really."

"I'm here if you need anything," Yifan said warmly, bowed, and left. I watched him leave, and then hurriedly began to pack my bags again for the night. Tonight, I was certain, I would not fail.

++

It was strange now, having an empty bed, I realized, as I waited for the moon to rise and the servants to fall asleep. But it was a feeling that I would have to get used too if I was going to be on my own now. Quietly, my bag over my shoulder, I stepped out of the bedroom and down the hall. I held my breath, my heart raced, and each step seemed like I was making no progress whatsoever. To calm myself, I imagined the amount of steps it would take me to reach the end of this hall, and then the next, and so on. 

"Going somewhere?" I nearly screamed, spinning around, and saw a man in uniform, his face concealed. With a shock, I realized that this was the same soldier who had stopped me before.

"You!" I cried in shock. The soldier took my bag from me and opened it, peering at the contents. I snatched it away from him abruptly. "That's mine." I snapped.

"Where are you going to go?" The soldier asked. "You can't go back to your family."

"Of course I can go back to my family," I snapped, turning and walking away from him. "Leave me alone."

"Your family would only send you back here," The soldier began to follow me, speaking softly. I bristled angrily, and spun around.

"What do you know about my family?" I said rigidly. "What do you know about me? Leave me alone!"

"The world is not safe for a young woman alone," The soldier said, his voice much softer. "Especially a woman of your status and the fact that you're a foreigner. You are an easy target, milady."

"But if I stay here I will jump off the roof!" I hissed, my blood boiling. "I cannot stand here and be so objectified, so exploited. I hate this place, I hate it!"

"But you will find none better, Milady," The soldier said.

"You have everything you could want and need and more, and a husband who loves you - "

"What do you know of my husband's emotions?" I said sharply.

"My husband thinks of me as his plaything, as just a body." I turned away from him, tears forming into my eyes. "I think that death would be a better fate than this."

For a moment, all that was heard were the crickets chirping softly outside, when the soldier gently laid a gloved hand on my arm.

"Don't," He said firmly.

"Whatever you do, taking your life is not an option."

"I have no options," I breathed, facing him with tears in my eyes. "I cannot live like this."

"Milady, please," The soldier took my hands in his and I stared at him in surprise.

"Taking your life may end things now, but it also ends the possibility of things ever getting better. I promise you, they will."

My lip quivered and I looked down in shame. I realized just how afraid I was. Could I really take my own life if it came down to it? I realized that I was shaking in fear.

"Come on," The soldier said gently, offering his arm to me. Hesitantly, I took it, and he walked me back to my room.

"Promise me that you will protect yourself first," He said earnestly. His eyes were soft now, as he spoke in sincerity. "Alright?"

"I promise," I said softly, and the soldier bowed low to me. I managed a weak smile, and thanked him.

"I'll stand outside your door until my lord comes home," The soldier said. "Call if you need me."

My heart smiled a little for him, but as soon as the door was closed, I fell down on the bed, hiding my face in my pillow and cried myself to sleep.