Priorities: A Spider-Man Wrong Number Fic

Skills

Peter
Ned
Ned
N e d
I need a s s i s t a n c e
MJ isn't answering and I got stabbed again
Remind me not to ask the robber to stab me again so that I can pretend to be a balloon that got popped because they will not hesitate to do it
Ooh there's lots of blood this time i think it's a new record
NED ANSWER

???
Kid what in the ever loving **** did you do
****
****
Why can't I curse
Wait who are you and are you dead yet

Peter
Okay first of all we need to work on your empathy and prioritizing skills
Second of all do you know how to stitch up a stab wound with back alley resources or else I will ask this raccoon that I believe is foaming at the mouth

???
That depends on how scared you are of infection and heroin addiction

Peter
Only mildly
OH THERES A LADY IN NURSE SCRUBS WALKING BY MAYBE SHELL HELP
THE NURSE LADY WAS NICE AND STITCHED ME UP :D

???
Good great fantastic now tell me who you are before I hack your phone

Peter
Well that escalated quickly Mr Prioritony

Mr Prioritony
What the **** did you just call me

Peter
It's a mix of priorities because you need to work on them and the first name that popped into my head
Also I'm pretty sure I need to leave this alley soon because that raccoon has been slowly inching towards me for the past few minutes

Mr Prioritony
Jesus Christ will you please just tell me your name before I have to trace your phone because I haven't slept in 82 hours and my coffee machine just broke along with my will to live so let's speed this up

Peter
Hmm.... you could be a pedophile tho
😧 Are you a pedophile?!??????
Flipping fish sticks I am not being tricked by a pedophile I am a smart boi

Mr Prioritony
You took too long Mr Peter Parker, age 15
Wow straight A's at Midtown must be tough

Peter
You know you're not doing a good job at convincing me that you're not a pedophile
Another skill we need to work on
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Hello, welcome to my mid quarantine crisis. I am accepting therapist applications at this time.
-spidey