LOVE OR HOPE?

Chapter Seventeen

You left and I cried tears of blood,my sorrow grows. It's not just that you left. But when you left,my eyes went with you. Now,how will I cry?- Rumi.

I think I now cry too much that my tears are no longer falling. They get clouded in my eyes and find their way to stay stagnant just not to stream down my cheeks and when that happens,I just stare into emptiness and think about what I've done to have gotten my life shattered like this.

Everyday,I watch myself smile and laugh and cry but I wasn't feeling any of it. All my feelings,the hurt,the shame,the anger,the guilt,the sadness and my confusion were all locked away and I was feeling like an outsider in my own body.

I got up and looked into the mirror,It was hard for me to recognize the face that was staring back at me. My eyes have never been this big and bloody red,my lips looked swollen like I've been badly beaten,I looked plump and my hair was such a huge mess. I focused my attention on looking at my face and tried hard not to look at the stomach that had a bastard growing in it.

These emotions made me groan and my temper sparked. I found myself throwing out everything that was lying on the dressing table, boxes of my jewelries, make-up kits and my perfumes,I was so smouldered with resentment that these things weren't enough,I craved for more..

I walked into the kitchen with my anger thrumming through my veins,I slammed the dishes on the floor. I felt flickers of irritation that refused to let go of me.

My phone rang loudly. Anger was still burning in my system and I was still as hot as lava,It churned within and I knew that it was too much to handle.

I saw the Caller's ID and I closed my eyes tightly. The pressure of raging sea that I was experiencing could make me say things that I do not mean and express thoughts that I've surpressed for weeks,which was the last thing on my mind that I would want to do.

"Alyssa."

I nodded like he could actually see me,he continued talking as if he had seen me acknowledge him.

"I deserve to know what has gone wrong with you?"

"Leave her the fuck alone" I heard Nadia yell in the background,It sounded like she was busy training off with a punching bag.

"Ignore her,Alyssa" Gillian stated.

"I want to hang up" I blurted,staring at the mess I have made in the kitchen and a strange feeling of regret flushed all over me. What the fuck is wrong with my emotions?

"Jesus, Aly!"

Aly?, He only used my pet name when he was dead ass serious about a particular issue that he wanted to discuss with me. I still don't give a fuck,I wanted to get this over with,I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. Anyone at all.

"What?"

"Aren't you curious about why I called?"

"I am actually. But I'm not ready to listen to whatever you have to say."

" Why not?"

" You hardly ever call."

He sighed. "And you do?"

I was silent.

" Yeah. That's what I thought."

"I gotta go."

"The school called me,you haven't been in school for a week and you skipped a few days last week. What the actual hell is wrong with you?"

"Why do you care?"

"You are in your senior year for chrissakes,I want you to attend classes,get into one of the best Universities and look forward to your prom night. Aren't you excited about all of this?"

" No."

" Look Alyssa,they called Mom and I don't know what she has also been up to but she's not picking her calls,so is Joseph and they thought it deem fit to call me and talk you through." He stopped. I don't know where Mom is neither,I guess she was still worried about Joseph and she was afraid of coming home to unleash her anger and fustration at me, I'm guessing this was the reason why she hasn't been home for days.

"I know you aren't sick,you are just being the weirdo that we all think you are. You are just lazy,bitchy,truant and-"

"You don't know anything Gillian!,You have no fucking right to just call me and say shitty things about me!"

" Are you Fucking with me right now,Alyssa? What the hell has come over you!" He shouted back at me.

"I knew this was going to be a fucking bad idea" Nadia yelled, this bitch has a temper that was given to her by the devil himself. But I don't fully blame her because I know that I have the same gift as well. Anger.

I tightened my fist on my other hand.

Gillian sighed deeply, I could hear him panting slowly and itching his scalp tiredly. "I just really want you to cut your crap and go to school" He tried to speak as quietly as possible. " Please, Aly?"

Is this the right time to blurt out that I'm pregnant for his worst enemy and the father that he never called his own? How would he react if he realized that he was going to have a fucking nephew or niece whose father is his own father as well? Fucking Hell!, my eyes clouded with tears again.

"Okay." I stated,doubting myself.

"I know it's hard living alone and doing almost everything all by yourself, but I promise that it's all going to be fine at the end. Keep hope alive!"

I almost choked at his statement. Did he just say hope? What hope was left for me again? I'm in the tightest position that gave me sucidal thoughts everyday and he says hope?

Fuck Hope. Fuck it. Fuck it!

After almost two minutes of stoney silence, Gillian finally said "Bye."

I cut off the line with relief. I bent down and picked a broken piece of the china plates. I used the sharp end to cut my wrist, it started bleeding profusely. I forcefully smiled, cutting myself was the only thing that could remind me of my existence, that I was alive and that I could still feel pain.

My life was now looking like the scenes from a movie.

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Or scenes from a novel lol😂

How are you?😳

Do you pity Alyssa at least a little bit?😣

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