from my head to my middle finger

06 i miss you terribly

Gerard had thought about going home to New Jersey, but to be honest, he was tired as hell and he didn't feel like crying in a cab or the train. So he walked to a hotel.

He thought it was way too expensive for a three-star hotel, but again, it was New York City after all. He just wanted to get in bed, and cry. He wanted a drink too, but it was hypocrite of him to be mad at Frank for breaking sobriety and then drinking. Maybe if he'd sleep with him, he wouldn't have needed to call Bob. It's not like he didn't want to. It was all his fault in the end.

And he knew leaving him didn't help either.

But what else was he supposed to do? See how Bob fucked him in the kitchen counter? Witness him destroy himself?

He cried himself to sleep, and woke up at two in the morning crying remembering the night he found Frank in the bathroom. He couldn't do it again. He couldn't leave him alone again.

Unable to go back to sleep, he went out for a walk. After thirty minutes, he ended up at a random bar.

Fuck it, he thought. He didn't care anymore. Nothing mattered anymore.

The only thing he cared about anymore was Frank. He didn't know why but that motherfucker became the most important thing in his life, and Gerard had screwed it up so bad. If something happened to Frank, he wouldn't be able to forgive himself.

A group of girls stood close to Gerard, until one of them finally dared to get close and flirt with him. And for a second, he considered it. He actually considered taking her to the restroom. But that wouldn't be fair to her, and he'd still be thinking about Frank. Heck, that only reminded him of Frank even more.

Instead, he kept walking until he was outside Frank's apartment building.

And he did think about going upstairs and knocking on his door and taking him away. He hoped he'd at least looked outside his window. But he knew that wasn't going to happen.

So he went back to the hotel, and straight to bed.

He tried calling Frank in the morning, and later in the afternoon, and twice more later. He never answered. He just hoped it was because he was pissed off at him for not saving him, which he deserved.

He then called again the next day, and the next.

He thought about paying a visit but thought twice about it.

***

Frank knew he had screwed it up.

He was more than aware.

He knew Gerard really cared for him, even if it was just as friends, but he cared more than anyone ever did. No one had done so much to keep him sober. And yet, there he was, sneaking out to the liquor store as soon as Gerard left for work.

And he sat there, staring at the bottle of vodka for the longest time, knowing the moment it touched his lips, it was the end of everything. Not only his sobriety, but his friendship with Gerard, and what could possibly the first time he was happy.

He almost considered throwing it away.

But he was missing Bob, and he hated himself for what he did, and for losing him, and losing Gerard, and his job.

Next thing he knew, the bottle was almost empty, and he felt even worse.

It hadn't helped one bit.

He reached for his phone to call Gerard and apologize for what he did, but he knew he'd be disappointed in him, so instead he called Bob. 'I'm so stupid, I'm sorry,' he cried. Bob told him that he wasn't stupid, and that he missed him too. Frank kept crying, telling him he was alone, and he wanted to see him, so Bob went to the apartment as fast as he could.

They didn't even talk. Frank threw himself at Bob and started kissing him, and one thing led to the next, and soon Bob was on top of him on the couch, his hand on Frank's cock.

Then they were snorting Coke – which Bob had brought as a gift –. When they made it to their bed, Frank begged him to fuck him like only he knew how. And then Gerard was there, and he looked so disappointed in him, he wanted to crawl in bed and kill himself.

He didn't remember a lot of that night now. He had woken up to the news that Gerard left with his stuff, and a missed call from him.

And the only way to numb how bad he felt, was by drinking more.

Bob tried to comfort him, but it didn't work. They got high and fucked all day, but that wasn't enough to keep Frank from crying.

He was feeling good for once and he ruined it.

He locked himself in the bathroom, a razor in hand and almost put it to use, but remembered Gerard wasn't there to save him, and Bob couldn't give a fuck, so instead, he started to cry.

The next day was almost the same.

He was feeling worse and worse every day, and didn't see the point of going on. When Bob was there, they'd fuck all the time to keep his mind occupied. When he was alone, he'd drink himself to sleep.

He woke up on his couch, completely naked, and sweating, and Bob was nowhere to be found. Frank had no idea how long it'd been, he just knew his head was playing games on him and he got scared.

He thought he was delirious and Gerard had come and looked for him, but it wasn't a dream. There was another knock on the door. 'Frank, I know you're there! Open the door!'

It took him another minute to get up and walk to the door.

He couldn't believe what he saw.

Gerard was even drunker than him, and smelled like he had pissed himself. 'I'm so sorry,' Gerard said, walking closer, and putting his hands around Frank, who was still very naked. 'I'm so sorry – I shouldn't have left. You needed me, and I just left you here.'

Frank wanted to tell him that it wasn't his fault. He wasn't his responsibility. 'I missed you,' was all he managed to say before pushing his lips against Gerard, who didn't pull away this time. Frank helped him to take off his nasty clothes, and pulled him to the couch. They were both very intoxicated to have full control of their own bodies, but Frank took charge. He kissed every bit of skin, left a bite here, and another one there, and licked his stomach, until he got to his member and took it all in his mouth.

They jerked each other off, and then Gerard begged him to fuck him in the ass.

'I should have let you done this that night,' Gerard said once they were in what used to be his bed just days prior. 'I could have saved you.'

'You did save me.'

'But then you just –'

'But that's not your fault.' They didn't say anything for a minute, pressing their foreheads against each other. 'You can come back if you want,' Frank said.

'I don't want to make it weird between you and Bob.'

'You wouldn't. I think we're better off.'

'But I don't want to cause another scene and get you in trouble. It's best if I go back to the hotel tonight, and come back once you've talked to him.'

Frank considered it. 'But we're still friends?'

Gerard chuckled. 'I guess so.' They both got back in his clothes, and Gerard gave him one last kiss, lingering on his lower lip a little longer.

'I'm gonna sober up, I promise.'

'I hope so.'

'I'll call you tomorrow?'

'That would be great.' And with that Gerard walked out, and Frank smiled to himself.