from my head to my middle finger

11 feelings

Recovery wasn't easy.

Frank knew it would take a long time to get his shit together. But at least he had Gerard, and he made things a lot easier.

Every morning, when he woke up – in the mornings, he actually felt like getting up from bed – breakfast was ready. Gerard made sure he ate, and took his meds, and took care of him. He drove him to his therapist and his AA meetings. He made sure he took a shower every day, and that he was overall okay.

Though most days, Frank still felt like shit.

It wasn't just the withdrawal, though he knew that made everything worse. He hadn't been this sober since high school. But he missed Bob, and he felt like shit for what he did. And he felt useless not having a job. His boss at the record label promised him an office position, at least for the time being. He didn't think it was safe for Frank to be on tour or around other people who did drugs all the time. But Frank didn't feel ready to go back to work either.

He felt empty.

His head was crowded with thoughts, but they were all cloudy and he couldn't make sense of anything. And his feelings – fuck, that was even harder to recognize. Gerard had given him a leather journal, since he had started writing a lot more. So that helped.

He would write anything that came to mind. Maybe if he wrote it down it'd be easier to identify or find a meaning to it. But most of the time it was just doodles and scribbles that he couldn't even understand.

He just wanted to cry, and scream.

And maybe have a bit of vodka.

He hated himself for thinking that.

'Are you crying, Frankie?' Gerard asked when he found him in bed. He pulled him by the shoulders to take a look at him, just to make sure he wasn't drunk. He wasn't. But he was crying.

'I'm okay.'

'It's okay if you're not. Just tell me.'

'But –'

'Frank, I want to help you, but I don't know how to if you don't tell me.'

'That's the thing, Gee!' he yelled. 'I don't know how I feel anymore! I can't feel anything!'

'Come here –,' and then he put his arms around Frank and let him cry as long as he wanted to. He sobbed on Gerard's shoulder for the longest time, and then Gerard could feel him breathing against his neck, his hand going down his spine until it reached his lower back and the inside of his pants.

Gerard wanted to stopped him. He knew it was wrong to do it right now, but he'd been wanting this for the longest time, thinking about Frank, and now Frank was licking his neck and moaning, and he couldn't help it. He was getting hard.

And Frank noticed his reaction, which brought a smile to his face.

There was no point denying it. Gerard knew he wanted it, and then it was too late because Frank's hand went in his underwear and took his cock, squeezing it and pumping it, as they breathed in each other's mouths. Gerard thrusted his hips against him, begging for more.

Soon, shirts were off, and Frank pushed Gerard to the bed, kissing him hard, biting his lower lip and pushing his tongue down his throat. Pants and underwear disappeared soon after, without even breaking the kiss.

Frank was rough, pulling so hard it felt he wanted to cause pain, and though Gerard liked it at first, he had to stop him. 'Gentle, okay?' he said to Frank, who just nodded, but gave a confused look. 'Let me show you.'

They switched places, Gerard pushing him on his back, and once Frank was under him, he started kissing him tenderly, with such care and caution, but making sure Frank was getting off every touch and brush of his lips. 'Love can be gentle, you know?' he said, knowing Frank probably never had that kind of experience. So he made sure he knew how to do it.

He filled every bit of his tattooed skin with kisses, from his jaw to the sparrows on each side of his stomach, and then kept going. He licked his thighs, hearing Frank moan loudly, and then took his member, from the tip to the base, slowly. He had him coming immediately, and then he continued by putting his fingers inside him, one by one, stretching him, and lubing his entrance to get him ready.

He was careful with his thrusts, or at least he tried, until Frank yelled for more. 'I love you,' he said without even knowing, between pants, as he licked his scorpion tattoo. But he meant it.

'I love everything about you,' he continued, as he came inside him. 'I fucking love you, and I'm going to keep you safe, and make you feel loved every single day.'

Frank pulled him to kiss him, and then said, 'I love you too.'

Gerard knew what would make Frank feel a lot better.

He'd been thinking about it all day, having seen an ad online, so after breakfast, he told Frank to get ready. 'Where are we going?' he asked.

'Just get ready. It's a surprise.'

Frank did as he was told, and they walked three blocks to a shelter. 'No way,' Frank said, the biggest smile on his face. Gerard didn't say anything and just opened the door for him.

They saw all the puppies and cats – though Frank wanted a dog – until they met one of the youngest arrivals. A two month old black lab with the cutest puppy eyes ever. 'This one! She's mine!' Frank said. When they signed the adoption papers, Gerard turned to him to let him choose the name. 'Pansy,' he said with a smile.

They took Pansy home, and Gerard could see Frank was feeling better already.