from my head to my middle finger

14 from my head to my middle finger, i really think i like you

Frank was staring outside the window, somewhere far away.

There was a bird on the branch right outside getting all his attention. He didn't know what type of bird it was but for some reason that seemed more interesting that whatever his therapist was saying.

'Frank –,' she repeated. He turned to her, but he wasn't a hundred percent there. He wasn't sure if it was the meds or just one of those days. 'Frank, how are you feeling?'

He didn't answer.

He didn't know what to say.

He'd been doing fine. Better than ever, he'd say. But he'd been feeling like shit since the night before. He remembered locking himself in the bathroom, and holding the blade in his hand.

He wasn't even crying anymore.

He was numb.

Nothing mattered anymore. He tried to remember Gerard, sleeping on the other side of the door, waiting for him to get back to bed. But a voice in his head told him Gerard would be better without him, without having to take care of him.

Frank was trying so hard, yet he always ended up like this.

'Frankie?' he heard Gerard's voice calling from outside the bathroom. 'Are you okay?'

Frank wiped off his tears and threw away the blade. 'I'm fine!' he said, even though it was obvious he was crying.

Gerard opened the door right away, and found him crying in the sink. He pulled him to his arms, where Frank sobbed for the longest time, and Gerard comforted him, while looking for traces of blood and cuts, but didn't find any. 'It's going to be okay,' he whispered.

He made soup for him, and they sat in the couch, Pansy in Frank's lap. 'You want to talk?' Gerard asked.

Frank shook his head. 'I don't know what happened, you know. I just woke up, and started thinking and then I felt like I needed to save you from this shit.'

'You don't need to save me from anything. I'm here because I love you, okay? And we're going to get through it together.' He took Frank's hand and squeezed it.

Frank nodded. 'I love you.' He rested his head in Gerard's shoulder, snuggling with his face hiding in his neck.

They stayed like that until Frank fell asleep on top of him.

Gerard woke up early to call Mr. Kyle and let him know that Frank wasn't feeling good and couldn't go to work, and then to Frank's therapist to make an appointment.

'I'm –,' he stuttered. 'I'm better.'

'That's good!'

He nodded. He was good at lying and pretending to be fine. It should be easy. He knew Gerard probably told him the reason why he was there, but he wasn't ready to admit it.

'Can you tell me more about it?'

'I have Gerard, and Pansy. I'm writing more. I got a job –'

'Oh, yeah?'

'Yeah. At a bookstore. And I really like it.' He couldn't not smile at it. 'And my boss' wife is helping me to self-publish a poetry book.'

'Is that something you like doing?'

He nodded. He was actually happy with what he had. It wasn't much but it was enough to be happy and safe. He knew it. Then why he was feeling like shit? 'I didn't know until now. I don't want to be a famous writer or anything. I just like doing it. And I enjoy working at the store, and helping people find a book they might like. And coming home to Gerard. I really love that.'

'I'm glad to hear that.'

'Then why do I feel numb sometimes?' he said, tears rolling down.

Dr. Perez took a moment to answer. 'I don't know exactly why. It could be a chemical unbalance in your brain. Depression is like that sometimes.' Frank nodded. 'And your body is so used to being intoxicated it could be its way to ask you for more. Sometimes there can be triggers, intrusive thoughts. It's really complicated. But let's find ways to help you with that, okay?'

Frank nodded.

She handed him a piece of paper and told him to write everything that made him happy. 'Every single thing. Not just your boyfriend and your dog. It can be a cup of coffee, or a specific song.' So he did that.

He didn't think he'd fill the entire page of scribbles, but he did.

'Every time you feel like it's coming, try thinking about all of this. Find something, an activity to distract yourself with. Make it a habit.' Frank smiled to himself reading his list. 'You're stronger than you think, Frank.'

When Frank got out of the shrink's office, Gerard was waiting for him outside. 'Feeling better?' he asked.

Frank nodded and hugged his boyfriend. 'I'm scared,' he said, his voice muffled against Gerard's hoodie.

'Scared of what?'

'What if I never recover and I keep trying until I finally do it? What if I relapse?'

'Then – we get up again. And again. I'll be right there every time.' Frank didn't want to cry, but it was too late.

'Why would you want to be with me?' he asked, looking at Gerard's eyes now.

'I told you. I love you. And I'll pick you up every time, because my life isn't the same without you.' Frank didn't know how Gerard was just as addicted to him as Frank was to Gerard. Gerard wasn't sure if that was a healthy relationship, but he felt incomplete without Frank and his laugh. And he'd do anything in his hands to make him laugh again.

Their life was simple.

Waking up together, maybe morning sex if they woke up early enough. Having coffee together and walking the dogs. Yes, dogs. Gerard gave Frank two more dogs because he knew that was the secret to make him smile. Now Snippy and Lois joined Pansy.

They were a family.

They had talked about kids, but not in the near future.

They wanted to enjoy what they had a little longer.

Frank loved his job at the bookstore, and he loved being engaged to a comic book artist and that one day they'd get married and have kids. The promise that one day they'd have a family and get a house in the suburbs gave him hope.

Hope.

It was a new word in his vocabulary.

And he liked it.

He liked waking up next to Gerard's naked body, snoring, and his legs tangled up with his. He couldn't help smiling.

He was so lucky.

Gerard stirred in his sleep, and cuddled next to Frank. 'What are you smiling about?' he mumbled. He couldn't stop looking at Frank's smile. 'You look so cute,' he said, playing with his hair, which was longer now, and there was facial hair, which Gerard adored.

He would never get tired of it.

It had taken so long and so many endless nights for Frank to smile again. But Frank was happy.

'Stop looking at me like that, idiot,' Frank said. 'And make me breakfast.'

Gerard smiled before pressing his lips against his. 'I love you so fucking much.'

'I know,' Frank replied smiling.