Another Chance

Numbness

"Would you please care to explain the reason behind your intention?" I don't want to but the only way to convince her is by giving her the truth. I shrug and taking a deep breath,I begin.
"Remember when I was not in my right mind? Yes,then no one was persistent enough to stick by my side and pester me all their might. My friends did try not then it never reached me,I know that I am selfish in saying this but then it is the truth and please understand me. I didn't want them for it scared me that the done would be again be done but then I should have never compared them to him.

Never! But I did and even you,dad,and brother. I know that you tried your best and I am really really greatfull for your presence. It helped but it was not enough. I needed more courage and honestly,I did not want to wake up after that accident,but when I did I was relieved to have opened my eyes after all. I learnt many things and this was possible only because of Jake.

He came and stayed like he had no intention of ever leaving while all the way he was dying. He was in the cab that day and it was him who had tried to drive away. He hurt himself and the hit left him only with one kidney and it's rotting now. I am just giving him one because I feel indebted to him in ways I would never be able to repay him otherwise. I want to help. And it's not like I am dying. My kidney matches with his. I want to thank him, that's all."

I look up to face her and tears are filling the brim of her eyes. I hate myself for doing this to my own mother but I have learnt this from her and now it was the time to show that I had learnt well. I was growing fine. She did a good job. But then the fact that I am being selfish in making her go through this feels terrible. I hope I rot in hell.

"Why? If something happens to you I will not forgive myself. I know it's good to help but that is only when you yourself are good in health. Look at you Sofim,you look terrible,small. Tiny and weak. I don't the heart to let go of you. I want to hold you and take care of you until I am old and grey. Don't I deserve that?" She says and now she is crying. I don't join though the effort to hold in is immense for I know that if I do then, there's no Turing around. I would loose and I have no intention of loosing right now. I had to help him with or without her consent.

"Please? Don't do this. " "Mother,if I do not do this I cannot live properly in the future and I hate the idea itself. I would resent myself to death.". "Fine! Do what you wish but remember,if anything does happen to you, I'll make sure to murder your friend myself and follow you to hell to do the same to you," she says in a tone which means she would really do the said if the outcome is not like we anticipated.

I nod and get back to bed. Of course he had no idea about this. All he knew was that he had got a donor and this was enough. No need for details. The date would have to be fixed and I hope it was soon. I am tired of these walls.

As I lie on the bed, I think of my own decision. I have no doubt of wanting to save him but then,it would hurt many and again my selfishness would win. "Sofim just die quietly!" I say and try to get as much sleep as I can so that I could go back to school.

"Doctor,what is wrong with me? I mean you said that all I needed was counselling. But then I was back in the hospital when I opened my eyes and ...can you explain it to me?" I say and my desperation is clearly shown. I don't care.
"Well,your body has not received enough sleep and it is demanding for it. Why would you not sleep regularly? Due to this,your brain is commanding the body to sleep now and even when we try to wake you up,it's like you've gone to coma. And plus the accident. You hurt your head then injuring your brain a little. So basically,you are alright but not so fine for we are making you sleep well and after this you sure have to go the psychiatrist for few sessions." "Why do I need counselling?" I ask not grasping that part.

"Well,I don't know but we are assuming that even when you think that you are fine your brain knows that you are hurt. We don't know the reason though so you need counselling for few confirmations. And the core to your trauma which I may add is wierd."
"Alright. Thank you doctor. I will not die right?" I ask. He shakes his head and actually smiles. He dared not laugh because it would be rude to do so so left with a smile instead.

I know very well,the reason for my wierd trauma. Him. But the surprising thing is,I did not know that we were this close for him to be able to leave me with a trauma. This was new. No one was able to hurt me this much but then he did it and the sad part,I still did not know the reason behind his action.

"Let's not meet again," I mock. Counting helps to sleep and I find myself falling asleep on the fiftieth count.

The hidden smile in the heart
Comes out when you pass by.
This slouching shoulders-
Becomes a lot more bolder.

Time freezes when the perfect you,
Come and speak to me.
That smile hurts,
It's just flirt!

The only links between you and I
Are the heartstrings.
Being beautiful,you disappear fast.

I hope I am forgotten as a friend
And not some girl who,
Liked you but not enough
To hold onto you.

_Heartstrings

Maybe I gave a lot and expected too much in return but I have no right to say he did not try,he did and his failure is what disappointed me not him,never him.

*******************

The poem up there is cringe worthy,I know but don't judge me,it was written a long time ago.