being stuck inside has given me a lot of time to think
and i've come to some slightly painful realisations about myself
1. i'm never motivated to do anything anymore unless there is a direct consequence within the next few days
as in i physically can't make myself do anything like work out or eat healthier because i can't see the effects immediately
i can't sit down and do schoolwork because i don't know when i'll be coming back to school
and maybe school won't ever be the same after this- this isn't some extended summer holidays that i'm pretending it to be and there will be change, and i'm scared of going into a new version of an environment that i worked so hard to be comfortable in
i spent most of today trying to sleep because i didn't want to wake up and do things today, trying to block out the rest of the world when that's probably the only thing that i need right now
2. my identity as a person is solely based off the friendships i've made recently and when i'm on my own, i'm not sure who i am or what my purpose is
i thought i had goals and things i wanted to achieve but at this moment in time nothing feels worth it because the people i want to be accomplishing things with aren't with me
even though the friends i'm with now are so supportive and amazing people, who treat me much better than friends i was with before, i realised i didn't understand that they have their own lives too and that they can't consist of only me: i don't know how to manage an attachment to a person without it being absolutely everything and i hate it
i know that i'm lonely and clingy and being away from people right now makes everything feel worse but they need their space to be with other friends and spend time with other people and i never want to be that insists someone spends time with me instead of other people
but i'm beginning to feel like i'm the one who reaches out first all the time and i'm wondering if there's any point even trying
they're older and they're all sorting out uni things and i know that now is much more stressful for them than it is for me, but short little blunt replies to my messages just makes me worry about them, worry that i've done something wrong, even though i spoke to them not even three days ago over facetime
i just miss physical contact and i miss them, i'm terrified of being left alone and it's resulting in me lashing out and not thinking through how i act, and i feel like i'm starting a downward spiral
3. i'm so conscious of how i appear online that i feel like i can't ask a small group of people for help or post a rant on a private snapchat story
if i was able to post this shit on a story or speak to people about it, i would definitely be feeling less shit right about now
but i feel like i'm only ever sad, and i'm always leaning on my friends for support to the point they feel like they can't talk to me about anything for fear of upsetting me
and then any time i want help or try to say anything that makes me look weak, i feel like i'm attention seeking for something that doesn't matter to anyone else- i'm aware that all i want is attention right now, but coming from someone who's nearly 17 and is expected to have their life together to some degree i don't wanna seem needy anymore
i want to be stronger, so little things don't bother me anymore, so i react in ways that are acceptable and aren't seen as overcompensating or making the other person feel guilty or weird, to deal with my own emotions upfront instead of just wallowing in them
but i don't know how
and i'm sick of appearing weak so i just pretend everything's fine and then get mad when people don't notice anything
like i feel like i'm screaming up a well for help and all i can hear is it echoing around, but everyone outside it can't hear anything
4. i hold grudges and let them fester to the point i can't remember why i'm friends with the person, but never mention anything to their face
everyone's treading on thin ice at the moment because no one can see each other and we've all forgotten how to interact without physically being there, but this time has just made me overthink every little thing everyone has done, creating an idea of the person instead of remembering how they actually are
i'm acting like i've forgotten there's a person behind a screen who is struggling as much as me and they need the support as much as i do
5. i believe that i'm becoming a selfish and toxic person and i don't know what to do to stop it or how to stop myself from thinking in this negative mindset
i'm romanticising all my problems to the point i don't know what's real or not
now i look at myself and i think i'm shallow, arrogant, impatient and selfish, that i've forgotten how to empathise with other people when they ask for help, don't understand how to communicate with people and know when they need time to themselves
i want change, i want to be out of this isolation and have things go back to normal now
like i'm not in a difficult position at home but i want to be away from everything and everyone here
i don't really know what reaction i want from this either, because i don't think being comforted or anyone telling me that i'm wrong is going to help
i need to be aware of my own faults, no matter how much they hurt me, so i can build on it, but i'm just completely sick of myself at the moment
i thought writing this out would make me feel better?? i was tearing up at the beginning but now i'm just empty
so yeah
sorry if i ruined your evening
i'm just hurting a bit and needed some air
