for someone who never considered themselves particularly social, i'm suddenly aware of how much i relied on physical contact to survive
all this time alone with only myself for company will slowly drive me insane
because i can't turn my mind off
all this time gives me time to think about everything that's ever happened to me, to scrutinise every little detail, to convince myself that i'm alone and i've pushed everyone i love into hating me
i know my friends are only a phone call away
and i spent time doing that with them at the beginning of all this
but now it feels forced and painful
like they have better things to be doing or other people to be talking to
and i'm terrified because now i don't know what's real
this whole time
was i really what i thought i was to them?
am i really someone they care about, or have i just been tolerated because they pity me?
am i being spoken about in secret text groups or private calls, bitching about me?
i feel like i can't approach them about this
even though that's the only solution
because they're in exactly the same situation as me
isolated, stuck at home with nothing to do
so they've got enough on their plate
i don't want them to feel like they have to worry about me when i already feel like they hate me
and that in itself sounds so attention seeking
the words "they hate me"
like i'm accusing them
like i'm holding them accountable for my actions which likely brought about how they feel about me, good or bad
and i know i'm overthinking it
i know none of this is real or makes any sense, and all of this is in my head
but when they leave your messages unopened for days, you feel like you've done something wrong, you know?
and every time they come back to it and apologise
and they say they don't mean anything bad by it
but it hurts to feel like an afterthought
it hurts to know there's other people that they're putting before you to the point they'll go a week before even opening your messages
especially when they're the person you've held closest for god knows how long
it's just all too familiar, and it hurts being toyed with
i thought it was different with them, but it's weird what distance does to people- out of sight, out of mind i guess, when they're all that's on my mind
i don't know how to reach out and say this
because i don't want to hurt them with the ideas my mind has made up
but i can't keep doing this?
i can't keep being lonely because it's starting to physically hurt
