i think that frightened is a sadder word than scared
because we use the word scared everyday, maybe when we're taking out a spider or about to go down a rollercoaster or running up the stairs because we turned the lights off
frightened says weak, helpless, alone
frightened says i can't help myself
frightened says pale, thin, small
i thought i was done being weak
that i was going to move on with my life and not care about asking for help or admitting i need help
but i can't manage a fucking attachment to a person, to the point i become addicted to them and read into their every little move
but i can't ask people for help because i feel i'm needy and clingy and everyone's sick of me always leaning on them, that i can't help them with their problems because i'm too wrapped up in my own and will deal with theirs impulsively and irrationally
but i can't go and do the things i love or see the people i love consistently because we're in a fucking global pandemic and no one knows who's infected or not and i'm constantly at home with only my fucked up mind for company
i'm fucking sick in the head and i need help
but i won't help myself if the people around me aren't okay
the fucking idea that i can fix others when i can't even fix myself is fucking stupid
i hate this shit
