i've gone two weeks without a breakdown isn't that great
well
not really
i can't remember when it was but i watched a film with my dad that had nothing to do with anything
it was about a guy who was like a reverse hitman ??? killing bad people for some reason i forget
but yeah it has no relevance to my life whatsoever
but i went upstairs to my room and cried into a pillow until 2 am
and i mean crying like the ugly-silent-scream-self-motherfucking-loathing kinda crying
and i don't know why
i don't really know what to say in these anymore
because the whole time i'm just repeating myself like a broken record ? it doesn't even help that much as a vent so i don't see the point
i wanna write about the happy times
like some points of this have been really good
but i live those in the moment, and i'm present for those
it's like i'm a completely different person when i'm happy, and i wish i could be that person all the time
hm
anyways, how are you doing? this isn't easy i hope you're okay
you're doing okay? that's good, i'm glad, i hope you're getting enough sleep and eating well
how am i? ...well to be honest, i don't know
because i was doing great until maybe yesterday
i've been doing my school work ! im doing four a levels because i'm suicidal so i will probably die with the amount of work i'm doing if something else doesn't knock me off before that
i've done 3/4, i've completed spanish, drama and nearly english i've still got to write a 700 word essay on why how to kill a mocking bird is a political text
i'm doing music technology right now which i find really difficult but i wanted to push myself, that was the thinking behind this one i think i can't really remember what the old me thinks
my friend texted me yesterday and said her boyfriend of like nearly two years broke up with her so i said i'd go round at some point
which reminds me this time last year i was panicking because i talked my way into a relationship when i didn't want one
like i went round my friend's house crying being like "i'm leading him on i can't do this" then he asked me out the next day and i said yes what a fucking idiot
was it that i just wanted to please him for taking an interest in me ? internalised misogyny that he deserves my time because he picked me, and it's rude of me to refuse? or was the whole idea of being wanted? that my friends were in relationships and i wasn't and i wanted that but after that experience it's a strong no from me
i genuinely would rather be a one night stand or fwb which i never thought i'd say in my entire life
i want the physical connection but i don't know if i can handle the emotional side right now i guess
because
it's stupid but
i don't know if i'm actually capable of love
like i say i love my friends
so is that what i mean by romantic love ?? or platonic love ???
because i can't find the line
like
i think i might be in love with my best friend
but we've both said we're straight ?
and it is the biggest mind fuck of my life
that i can't tell the difference between platonic and romantic
because i know i don't want a relationship
i want success and work and i don't believe in investing all my time into a boy (or a girl apparently i don't know what i like) when i could be investing my time in becoming the best version of myself
was it that he was too good for me (which he definitely was) and i didn't know how to deal with that, so i decided i'm not going to learn to love someone? is it the fact i act older and i actually expect something real to fall into my lap from people of somewhat similar levels of maturity?
am i just an attention whore?
who fucking knows at this point ????? not me that's for sure
as per i'm just fucking sick of living
still waiting for someone to put me out of my misery
if anyone actually reads this and wants to chat then please :)
oh i also discovered the euphoria soundtrack the other day
i'm british so we don't have euphoria here
and i was laying in the hall upstairs underneath a window at 11pm and my mum thought i was doing drugs
nope, just crying to the soundtrack of a show about drugs
but she didn't notice so i guess that's okay
