no one can have me like i have myself.
no one can drop everything and fix all my problems but me
no one can start building my career, maintain my relationships and promote self-growth but me
no one can choose my life's narrative but me
no one should have to fix me but me
so why am i expecting other people to notice every little thing when i'm feeling off or drained ?
even though where i am lockdown rules are changing and we're able to start returning to some alienated form of normal, i'm still and will forever be locked in my own head
having nothing to do has only amplified what would've come to light in several years
and i'm realising that really i'm not okay
and if i'm honest? i can't remember the last time that i have
i've said consistently that from june 2019 i've never been happier
but truthfully i don't know if that's the case ?
i suppose it's because i've been able to associate positive feelings to what happened since then
because now i look back and i wonder if there was ever any point in it
now i'm realising that i've put on a front for so many years: take it away and i don't know who i am
i can tell you my name, my birthday, my phone number, my favourite colour and what i want to do in the future
but i'll struggle to tell you anything else
i feel two-dimensional and irrelevant in my own life, and despite how narcissistic i act and try to take care of my body i have little to none self worth anymore
i don't know myself. i don't know who i am and i feel alien in my own body. i feel like all i can see are my faults in the world and in myself, and i feel like i've forgotten how to value someone based on their merits instead of their flaws.
i've based whatever's left of my identity on other people since about november last year
the best people have come into my life since then and because they made me happy i thought that was the only way i could experience some form of normality ?
as in "this is what everyone else has felt for their entire lives, surrounded by people like this, so i'll cling to them and hope this feeling stays"
now i realise all i've done is dump all my issues on them and expect them to enjoy spending time with me, to keep me around only because i need them and not having any thought about how i am as a person affects their wellbeing
i start noticing jealousy instead of being happy for my friends when they spend time together
and i don't want to admit that, but it's there
i'm becoming controlling, expecting everything to go my way and not considering that i'm not the only person on the planet
and i notice that these periods of being super low coincide when a person resurfaces in my life, and/or when one of my friends is feeling down
and instead of supporting i feel like i need to be down too, which is the richest fucking shit
no one should have to deal with this.
i want to get out.
i want to run away from this and start afresh
i want to ditch this negative self talk
i want to reinvent myself
but i don't know how
because being sad is all i've known
and i don't know who to talk to or where to go
and i just stay stuck in my head.
