so i'm trying to stay positive
literally with my entire being
i'm forcing myself out of bed, making myself talk to people, doing things that keep me happy
but sometimes it's not enough
and it hurts
but i don't want to know why ?
like i'm terrified there's something wrong with me
and i know it's the whole being isolated thing and not being able to have any physical contact with anyone
but i'm worried i'm sick
like that i've caught it or had some undiagnosed autoimmune disease
or my brain is fucked up more than the average teen and i've got some mental illness or condition
because some thoughts that have gone through my head these past four months haven't been good ?
like weird not good
sure there's high and low points but i don't feel at home in myself
i don't feel like i have my own identity- like if someone asked me to describe myself i could name maybe three things about myself before starting to talk about other people ? i know that's not an easy question but i feel like i'm lacking a sense of self
then i see things like this feeling links in with this disorder but i can't identify with the rest of it
and self diagnosis is barely ever right anyways because the person romanticises it
and maybe it's just because i'm growing out of my bubble, that i'm seeing the world as a shitty place properly- and i mean properly, to the point i can't go back and pretend it's fine- for the first time and i don't know how to deal with that
and i'm just dreading the future.
like i dread to think that i have to live in this body for the rest of my life
involve myself back into school with people who i don't know or who will judge me for being different to them or not understanding me
and i dread to think this whole 'out of place' lack of self identity is me romanticising other disorders and hiding the real things wrong
but i'm trying really hard to stay positive
i dread to think what will happen when i give up.
