i've decided i've had enough of my existence.
i didn't ask to be born?
like i don't understand why i'm on this planet
i feel purposeless
i feel like there isn't a point to anything i do anymore, or like there never was a point to anything i've done
and i've tried so hard
i'm tired of feeling like a loose end
and everyone says i just haven't found people that understand me yet
but my view of myself is so low i doubt i could be misunderstood
i know it's the body dysmorphia because i've put on weight
i know it's the feeling of not knowing what's happening in the world, all the uncertainty of a global pandemic and not being able to understand my place in it
i know it's the lack of physical contact with my friends and the restrictions placed between us
and i'm aware that i'm scared of change, scared of the future to the point i wonder if i should just not go into the future
and i want help
i want to speak to people i trust
but i can't admit weakness
and that makes me think there's something very wrong with me
i want to go to my friends and ask what they think
i want to lean on them for support and let myself be supported
because they are my whole world, these seven people who have all made my life infinitely better from around last november
but i feel like that's all i ever do
and i know everyone has their ups and downs but they don't talk to me when there's a problem, they talk to each other and hope i don't notice
and it hurts
because i know they trust me
but because i've reacted impulsively or got angry to one thing that's happened in the past and now i feel like they hide things from me until they're sorted
but i don't know if that's in my head or not
i can't tell what's real anymore
in short
fucking end my misery
thanks
