The First Call

Once upon a time

"You can't do this," I said pulling back from the hug.

"What?" Andrew asked.

"You can't just ignore everything you did and ask me to forget everything. I can't and I never will!"

"Ashley, I already apologised. Please, give me one more chance."

"Andrew stop!" I yelled. "Do you really think that being in a toxic relationship was easy to me? All the trauma you made me feel is still inside of me. You were so toxic, didn't let me talk to other guys, not even Ben and Brent who you know I would never have anything with! You deleted all contacts I had! That is so crazy! It caused me so many things! I can't even explain how furious I was!" I stopped for a second to take a breath. "But worst of all, despite all that, I still loved you and I managed to forgive you. But how time went on and everything kept getting worse every day, I just couldn't take it anymore. I don't want to put myself in that position again." I finally finished.

Andrew stayed quiet for a few moments. "I just wanted to see you one last time," he said as a tear formed in the corner of his eye.

It really hurt me to see him hurt, but I think he never felt that same feeling.

"I'm sorry I just threw all of that in your face like that, but I couldn't keep it anymore. It was stabbing me every day more and more..."

He sighed heavily. "What if we hadn't met? Do you think we would have been better off?" He questioned and I didn't know what to say.

Actually, I did. I just didn't want to say it. At the end, I did, and it was painful.

"I'd probably be peacefully sleeping instead of constantly thinking about you. I wouldn't be thinking about your smile and how I desperately wished I could see it one more time. I wouldn't be reminiscing how good we were once upon a time. And I certainly wouldn't be missing you. I'd be happy because I wouldn't be burned with the thoughts of you holding someone else in your arms, someone who isn't me. If I hadn't met you, I would possibly still have had thought I was good enough, that I deserve happiness and I would meet someone who'd actually give it to me."

"I'm sorry for putting you in that position. But, do you want to tell me that I never made you happy? Because I did my best to do so."

"You did, Andrew, but over time you made me extremely unhappy. I don't understand how you can't get it. You were too jealous, you thought I would cheat again like I did with AJ, even though we weren't together back then. But, if we put that aside, you made me claustrophobic, I didn't have my own space, I couldn't do anything without you being around and literally spying on me. That's when it hit me and I decided to break up."

"You call it jealousy but I call it fear of losing you. There is big difference."

"I understand that, but what you did wasn't okay. I hope you understand that what we had will always live with us and at some point in the future we will have to talk about it again." He looked at me not understanding what I wanted to say. "I'm saying that we should accept it as it is, and finally move on."

Andrew nodded but it was obvious he didn't agree. I stepped closer to him and wiped the tear that escaped from his eye. I carefully pulled him in a hug. Now that he couldn't look at me, I let all the tears I was holding fall.

We stayed quite for a while. I was the one that broke the hug.

"I have to go now," I said and my voice trembled. "Goodbye, Andrew." I turned around and walked away.

As soon as I got out of his sight, I let the rest of tears fall.

When I got home, I texted Ava, Nina and Daisy to come over as soon as they could.

After less than 20 minutes they came and I told them everything.

"Let me get something clear." Ava started. "Tell me once again why did you break up with him."

"He never let me talk to other boys and got jealous so easy. He always made sure I wasn't cheating and he never gave me personal space."

"You know I love you, but you have to face the music." Ava looked at me and I knew I wouldn't like what she was about to say. "You broke up with him because he was worried about your well being. You broke up with him because he has feelings and only wanted to hear you say how much you loved him. You broke up with him because he only saw you. I see... You broke up with him because he cared...  So now both of you are broken because both of you were selfish."

All of us stayed quiet as Ava finished. She was right about everything she said.

"I broke his heart because I didn't know what was happening to me..." I said after about 5 minutes.

"You left the boy that loved you like no one else could. You see? You didn't want him when all he wanted was you. That's what happened."

"He was toxic and that's it." Nina broke the silence. "She didn't mess up because she broke up with him. I would do the same. If Caleb acted like Andrew, he could just wish to see me again."

"But Ashley isn't happy now. She clearly misses him and still loves him." Daisy added.

"I don't know what to do," I said weakly. "Yes, I still love him. Yes, I miss him. Yes, he was toxic. Yes, he overreacted. I don't know who to listen to. So many advices from different people. It's crazy."

"Listen to your heart," Ava said.

"I don't know which piece to listen to. So many voices are inside my head and they won't let me sleep at night. All of this got out of control."

The three of them kept quiet.

"I don't want to think. Ever again. Because I always overthink everything and mess up," I said desperately.

They all hugged me. I was so happy to have them.

They stayed for a sleepover. Somehow, they managed to take my thoughts off of Andrew.

Once upon a time I was happy with my parents. Once upon a time I was happy with my boyfriend. And now, I am happy with my friends. The problem is, I was not, not without him.