FORTUITOUS

DR. FRIGATE SANTILLANA

Hi! Right from the start sinabi ko naman na hindi ito story na may happy ending.

FRIGATE

"Are you sure you're fine, Kuya?" Hannah asked once more.

I took a deep breath then rested my head on the backrest of my seat. I massaged the space between my eyes.

"Yeah. I'm just tired." I replied. Ni hindi ko na inabala pang dumilat at tignan ang kapatid ko.

I felt Han's hand on top of mine. She gave it a gentle squeeze. "Can't you take a day off from work? Malapit na ang exam mo, 'di ba?"

I lifted my head then smiled on my sister. "I'm fine, don't worry." I sighed. "Napagod lang talaga ako ngayong araw."

"If that's the case, I'll leave you alone." Hannah sweetly smiled then kissed me on the cheek before leaving me alone in the garden.

Nandito ako ngayon sa bahay dahil tinawagan ako ni Mommy para makapaghapunan kami dito sa bahay. She's teaching Hannah how to cook.

I'm far from being fine. Pero kailangan ko na pangatawanan ang kasinungalingan na 'yan. Kahit sarili ko ay kailangan kong lokohin.

Selene's image crossed my mind. The pain in her beautiful eyes. The bitterness in her words. The anger on her slap. It all stings.

Tumayo na ako at umakyat na ng silid ko. I went to the shower and let the cold water wash my tears away.

I am in love with Selene. But this love is scaring me. I am losing myself little by little. This can destroy me.

At natatakot ako. Mahal na mahal ko si Selene. Pero hindi ko alam kung mahal n'ya din ba ako. Natatakot akong sumugal. Natatakot ako dahil kayang-kaya n'ya akong wasakin.

And the intensity of my love for Selene is not even close in comparison to the love I gave away to other woman combined. Mahal na mahal ko si Selene. Pero  parang wawasakin n'ya lang ako.

I am just a play thing to her. Binabalikan n'ya kapag bored s'ya. Ginagamit n'ya lang ako. Dahil hinahayaan ko s'ya. Ibinibigay ko ang lahat sa kanya.

If I am more than that to her, she wouldn't have to lie to me. If she's true to her words that she's mine, I wouldn't have to see her kissing another man.

I feel stupid. I fell in love with her within a month we spent together. A month full of fun and lust. We had each other's comfort. She lifted me on my darkest days. And I provided her entertainment.

We parted ways. Because she have something important to do with Caspian. Her ex-boyfriend, which she almost had a child with.

And I let her. I let her go, because I am in love with her and I trust her. I put my faith on her. I let her go even if it kills me to know she's with someone she used to love. I let her go even what I want is to be there on her side and help her. I want to love her... all of her. I want to heal her scars with my love. I want to embrace her flaws. I want to fix her. But I let her go becuase that what she asked.

I felt miserable for months. Ni wala akong pinanghahawakan na babalik s'ya sa akin. I don't even know where she is. Ang alam ko lang ay kasama n'ya si Caspian. At mas masakit iyon. I gave her the liberty to destroy me.

After months, I saw her again. In an unexpected place. And she's with another man. Not Caspian. That's Icen. The man she was with the first time we met a day before Marron's wedding.

I kills me to stop myself and flip their table when I saw them flirting and almost kissing. How can she do that to me?  Kung hindi n'ya kayang tanggapin na mahal ko s'ya, sana tinapat na lang n'ya ako. Sana sinabi n'ya na lang ng diretso at hindi na ako pinaasa pa.

When she came back, I accepted her. I embraced her. I threw away all my doubts and the pain I have in me. I left the past behind. All that mattered was her and the now. Wala na akong pakielam na nasaktan ako dahil binalikan na n'ya ako.

Then she left again. With Caspian. Again. And this time, she lied.

Paulit-ulit na lang kami. Para akong tanga na paulit-ulit n'yang iiwan, at paulit-ulit s'yang tatanggapin. Paano kung dumating ang araw na hindi n'ya na ako babalikan? O paano kung maunang dumating ang araw na hindi ko na kayang pulutin pa ang sarili ko sa kabiguan sa kanya?

Ayoko nang gawin pa 'to sa sarili ko.

Tama na.

I am not a man who can always take a woman leaving me behind.

Wala akong ibang ginawa kundi ang magmahal ng buo. I am always forgiving. I am always openminded. I am always willing to take everything for the woman I love.

But I too, has my limits.

Awang-awa na ako sa sarili ko. I am tired of being someone who always got left behind. Ayoko nang maging parang aso na kakawag pa din ang buntot sa pagsalubong sa amo na palaging umaalis.

If I was destined to be alone, then so be it. I'd take that rather than always staying behind, unable to move on, and keeping hopes up to be taken back in again. I am tired of forgiving people who doesn't even feel sorry. I am done with loving someone unconditionally.

I am tired of being taken for granted.

Maybe, love isn't for everybody. It isn't for me.

If nobody can love me the way I deserve, I should at least love myself. I should give myself some worth. Kung wala kayang magpahalaga sa akin, ako na lang. I should stop letting everybody treat me like their fucking dog.

I love Selene. I still do in spite of everything. But I think I had enough.

She's not for me. I am in love with her. But I don't think she can reciprocate that love. Or if she do, I think it's not on the way I want or at least deserve.

She can't even give some effort to make things work between us. Masaktan lang s'ya nang kaonti, ayaw na agad n'ya. Or maybe, she's expecting that I'll make ways for us.

Naisip n'ya kaya na nasasaktan din naman ako sa mga nagawa n'ya? Na pinapatawad ko lang s'ya agad dahil mahal ko s'ya? Mali siguro ako. Palagi. Dahil mas importante sa akin na mahal ko s'ya kaysa sa pahalagahan ang sarili ko.

I didn't value myself enough. Kaya kahit ang iba ay hindi ako napapahalagahan. I was taken for granted because I am letting them.

I am tired of being that man.

I have enough.

_________
May 24, 2020

Hi! This is my usual way of ending book 1, kaya h'wag ka na mainis. Book 1 lang po ito.

May magtatanong kung bakit kailangan ko pang putulin dito. Well, aside sa gusto ko ng bagong book title (lol), masyado kasing tangled sa ibang characters itong story na 'to. Madaming dependent variables. hindi kayang mag-shine ng bida na hindi mag-iisip ang readers ng story ng ibang characters.

I'll write book 2 na kayang mag-stand alone kahit pa hindi basahin itong book 1. 'GLORIOUS' will be the title.

Also, nasabi ko naman na na kino-consider ko na ang pay-per-view. I'll re-write Fortuitous in a new version, but I'll keep this raw version here. Hindi naman malayo dito ang gagawin ko, pero magiging tipong no need to read other stories para maintindihan. Hindi na kailangan ang story nila Trey at Marron para ma-gets ang sitwasyon nila Selene at Frigate. At syempre, mas elaborate ang importanteng detalye, at babawasan ko na ang unnecessary parts.

Thank you! For reading until this point. And for staying with me kahit on and off ako at magulo ako haha. I appreciate all of you, guys.

Feel free to drop your thoughts. If you're against or in favor of my decisions. Your feedbacks are great help to improve me.

Thanks!