When All Lies Fade

10

Our semester break went pretty well. I have been inactive through my social media due to SOMA event. I haven't talked to Dein lately after Baguio trip since then. Medyo I distance myself from him not because lagi siyang buntot ko but, I couldn't do multi-tasking anymore dahil, ayaw ko na nahahati ang utak ko baka sumabog ako. My room mates were also been busy, Nic being busy her quizzes and recit and Jae was preparing for her upcoming project. Everyone has been busy after semester break. We have our different time to eat and kadalasan wala na kaming bonding time. 

"Wala kang kwentang leader!!!"

Sinigawan ako ni Andrea, ang VP ko sa JPMAP. Kakauwi ko lang from Uni bago asikasuhin ang mga concessionaires. Last day kasi nila ngayong Friday and I have to make sure before I left, dapat maayos na. 

Nagtipa ako at agad sumagot. "Ako? Asan ka nung kailangan kita? Wala 'di ba? You put always the blame on me but when I did the right thing you don't have anything to say!" 

Napatahimik siya sa sinabi ko. Ako pa ang sinisisi kung bakit hindi ko ginagawa ang trabaho ko bilang President ng organization na ito. Lagi nga siyang wala pag ako ang nag-aasikaso ng Mercato tapos nakita niyang wala akong ginagawa? Aba sino ba siya para sigawan ako?! Palibhasa, wala siyang alam at gagawa siya ng paraan para ibaba ako. 

"Tangina ka pala eh! Sino dito ang President? Di ba ako?! Bobo ka ba?! Ha?! Puro ka reklamo ni-isa wala kang naitulong eh! Magaling ka lang manghusga pero hindi mo alam kung paano manghawak ng problema! Last time, I gave that FUCKING proposal to you and GUESS WHAT?! Hindi mo tinapos! Kasi ang dami mong ginagawa! Eh paano ako? So, wala akong ginagawa?! Ganyan ba ang leader?! Baka nakakalimutan mo, VP LANG KITA! GAGO!!" 

I bursted so loud inside my room and immediately ended the call. Hindi ko na siya hinintay na sumagot pa kasi sobrang galit na ako sa kanya. Pasalamat siya wala na ako sa loob ng campus kung hindi, nasabunutan ko na siya sa harap ng mga maraming tao. 

"The fucking hell? She has no rights to yell at me or..or to be mad at me! Sino ba siya huh? VP lang siya pero kung umasta kala mo perfect," I scoffed and through my phone sa bed. "Ano siya si God? Feeling perfectionist ampucha!" 

Napasabunot ako ng buhok sa inis sa kanya. I was walking back and forth and notice a single tear fell from my eye. I was being emotional wreck at the moment. Napasandal ako sa edge ng higaan ko, hugging my body. 

"Am I not enough?" I always asked myself. Bakit ba nakikita nila ang kamalian ko kaysa sa good things ko? Hindi ko ba deserve na marinig ang mga salitang, "Good job, Kj!", "Congrats, Kj! Ang galing galing mo!" But no! instead a GREAT FUCKING HUMILIATION. 

I stood up and wipe my tears away streaming down my face. Huminga ako ng malalalim and slowly exhaled. "I can do this! You are enough. You are Krystal Jene Salazar and no one can beat you because you are the only one!" I looked fiercely in front of the mirror, pointing it. 

Naligo muna ako para mahismasan nang onti pero, mas lumala pa pala. I cried a lot inside the shower. Marami akong iniisip ngayon. I always strive harder to be on the top. Never nawala yan sa mindset ko. From being compared to someone, from being not good enough to my lowest weak and from being fooled to someone that I loved. 

I hate myself. 

I wrapped myself with towel, turning off the shower. I went back to my room to change clothes and planning to cry again. Good thing, wala sila Mommy and even si Kuya Patrick. Our parents are always busy and doesn't have time since then I was born. Kuya has his own world, too. Nagkikita na lang kami during Dinner and even sometimes, we go to church together. And for being existing, maid na ang nagpalaki sa akin kaya I know, basic cooking and some house hold chores.