Clover Hawkings and the Triwizard Tournament

32. Schroedinger's Cat

Will you come back again?/I only need a friend/when it's all said and done/will you need me too, girl?

- Wallows, Only Friend 

I hauled myself to my feet, and plop back down on the bed. Cass's letters and the picture of her and Charlie were still on the floor. No, really. Why can't I love?  Or open up? "What's wrong with me?" I whispered, just to hear the words out loud. They don't fit around the smile on my face. Because I have trauma? Hm. That is an issue, one that love can't and won't cure. Can it even be cured? Can it be fixed? Can I be fixed? 

"Uh, hey!" Scarlet appeared in the door frame. "Are you- are you..better?" 

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," I said impatiently, wiping the tears off my face. "Can trauma be fixed?" 

"What makes you think you have trauma?" Alura was behind Scarlet. "She has trauma," Scarlet said, looking more decisive than I had ever seen her. Gee, thanks. 

"Trauma is a very complicated thing, Clover," Scarlet began. "It's something you manage, not fix." I ponder this. 

"You have blood on your lips," Alura said in the awkward silence. I wipe it off, hoping they didn't think I was a vampire.

 "What brought on this change?" Scarlet said carefully. "Okay, it's like- people, right?"

"People," Alura agreed. Scarlet elbowed her in the ribs, and she shut up.

"In the Muggle world, gay love is illegal in most countries. Can you imagine? But people still chose to love, even though there's a risk of prison, physical abuse, and even death. Why? Well, they don't want to be something they're not, I guess- but also, love.

 During You-Know-Who's regime, being close to somebody could put a target on their back. Having relationships could be exploited for a bribe or trap or something. But they still loved. My family did, anyway. I mean, if all those people choose to love, when there were awful consequences, not owning up to your feelings when there are virtually none, is...is.."

"Bad karma," Scarlet said knowingly, nodding her head.

"Selfish, in a way," I finished. 

"Clover, I mean no offense, but... you never cared about being selfish before."

"I know," I said quietly. "But that's gotta change."

 "You don't like to change. You were ready to kill the house-elves when they changed Wednesday lunch from shepherd's pie to bangers and mash."

"I know," I said again, nodding. "That's got to change, too."

"The food?" Alura frowned (Most likely for that moment of comic relief.)

I sighed. "....No." 

There was a silence, in which I looked at Alura and Scarlet's foreheads instead of their eyes, and the two exchanged looks. 

"So?" Alura prompted. "Are you going to ask her?"

"Ask.....?"

"Ask Artemis to the Yule Ball!"

I laughed- a sharp, barking sound. But when I looked up, the two were still staring at me intently. 

"Oh, you're serious."

 Alura raised an eyebrow. "Yes?"

"Yes," Scarlet said, much more convincingly. 

"Listen, I dunno where you thought I was going with this-" the panic is closing in.