"Not to burst your bubble, but we aren't in love." - Unknown
Every day, I became more and more acquainted with death and less acquainted with life. Death sounded nice most of the time. No matter how many times I could try and pretend that Ash and I loved each other, or Kyle was my brother that I loved as a brother, I couldn’t do it.
Kyle and I had bonded a little over the death of our brother and father. We didn’t care much that Connor was dead, but we slightly cared, Kyle more than me, that our father was dead. Kyle and I hadn’t looked back into the past much. We wanted to keep each other, however we weren’t quite sure how to treat each other. Should we remain best friends, or brother and sister? The choice was up to us. We had the choice… We had a choice. An actual choice in the matter!
Earlier, Kyle had asked me, “Do you think everything could ever be normal?” I had said no. It was true. Nothing, and I mean nothing, could reverse what had happened to this damned earth. What was done was done. For whatever reason, fate had decided that we suffer for everything we had done. Perhaps it was the equivalent of Noah’s Ark? Or the survival of the fittest? Whatever it was, it had ruined our lives. Forever.
Ash and I had become close, yes that was true, but I still knew that I didn’t love him. It was the heat of the moment – lust. When I thought about it, I mean really thought about it, I came to the conclusion that I hadn’t been intimate with anybody in years, therefore I had been desperate and taken the opportunity. I hadn’t thought much about lust before this. Now I truly knew that all it had been with those boys before was lust. What it was now with Ash, was lust.
Right now, at this current moment, I was lying on a tattered mattress with Ash. He was tracing the scar the stitches had made. I had recovered pretty quickly.
“Do you think we will ever be able to … properly be together with a house and dog?” Ash asked. I sighed. This was almost the exact same question Kyle had asked me. It just had different words. A house and a dog was considered normal. My heart was pounding now, but I think if he had mentioned marriage or children I would’ve had a heart attack. I had never thought about that stuff, and I didn’t need to anymore.
“No. Never in our lifetime.” I said bluntly.
His face didn’t fall, he didn’t frown, and he didn’t say anything against me. I wondered constantly if he was in lust too. If he was just craving love in this loveless world. I knew I wasn’t. I wished I had never gotten myself into this love business. I think I had mentioned before that I loved him, but I wasn’t in love with him. Those two statements are very different. Ash and I had experienced things no girlfriend and boyfriend ever would anymore. We had bonded, sure. It didn’t mean I was in love with him.
It sounds like I’m trying to convince myself that I, Kate Farah or Mara Fritz, am not in love. I could be, but my emotions are scarce. I am pretty sure I don’t have many anymore. I have been left with the bad ones: anger, sadness, and more that I can’t comprehend. So, barely any actually.
“Kate?” Ash started.
I “hm”-ed him and turned my head up so that I could see his face. He smiled a little at me before carrying on.
“Do you actually love me?” The question I had been trying to answer in my own head came from his lips. How did I answer this? How would you answer this? Well, perhaps some of you romantics would answer with a plain “Yes.”. I’m not a plain romantic, however.
“I don’t know.” I answered truthfully.
“I thought so.” Not knew, not feared, not ___, he thought so.
“I am sorry.” I said, because I was sorry. I was also glad that he may feel the same way. That was the direction this conversation was going in anyway. I hoped.
"Me too. I just don’t know about us. I think it was just…” I cut him off, knowing what he was going to say.
“The heat of the moment.” I finished and he nodded.
We both couldn’t look at each other, scared for what we would both say. I wanted this conversation so I knew where I stood with him. I hoped we felt the same way about each other, but nobody could predict what he would say. Or what I would say.
“Okay… so. I want to get this straight. I like you, I really do.” His fingers stopped tracing the scar. “I like you more than I probably should. I mean, you are blunt, merciless, angry, cold and confusing.”
“Thanks.” I said, unaffected.
“You’re welcome.” He replied, smirking. “Anyway, I wanted you to know that I like you. It might not be love, but it is the next best thing.” He hugged me a little closer. “I want us to stay together.”
“Don’t turn sloppy on me, Ash, please.” I laughed, trying to lighten the mood a little. It didn’t work. My effort was in vain. I don’t think anything at this current point could make Ash smile. He had lost his family, now he was about to lose me… I think.
“Ash. I like you too. We both know this won’t work, so let’s cut to the chase.” I said reluctantly.
He nodded and knotted his fingers together. I sat up and watched his nervous giveaways.
“So, I want to tell you that I really want us to stick together. Whatever happens? I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you anymore. I wouldn’t feel… complete isn’t the right word, but seeing as I can’t think of the right word I will say complete.” I nodded, understanding his words.
“I get it. I feel the same way. I feel as if I am in lust with you. Not love. I mean, how ridiculous to be in love after a few months at the most? Even after what we have done for each other, I know now that it is lust. It’s not that I don’t find you attractive; I defiantly do find you extremely attractive.” He smirked, so I carried on. “I just feel as if this is stupid… not stupid… not worthless, but… how do I explain it?” I asked rhetorically.
“I don’t think you can, because I certainly can’t. Just friends? There, that simple. No other odd feelings. I know you hate feelings. Perhaps you are right? Perhaps you are a cold hearted bitch.” My heart skipped a beat. He thought I was completely emotionless and I hated feelings? I know I said very often that I thought I didn’t have feelings, but it was that word again: thought.
“I don’t think that is true.” Ash carried on. “I know you have emotions. You just keep them all in the cage and let the bad ones roam free. Tigers they are. Kate, you need your emotions. Without them, however could you love somebody? If you won’t love me, can’t love me, then love Kyle. He is your brother. Siblings stick together. I am willing to let you go if you run to him. Not because you want to, because you need to. You need to, Kate. You can’t always look after yourself.”
I wanted to argue, yell and say differently. Tell him I didn’t need a Mario to save me. That this princess saves herself.
For whatever reason, I didn’t argue.
I was
Losing myself
And
Who I really was.
I was
Weakening.
Becoming smaller
And
Smaller.
I knew what I had to do to make myself alright. I knew I had to do it soon.
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Fiksi Remaja"Say when." Kate Farah used to be normal. Now, she is in the middle of a death sentence with her brother, Owen, and best friend, Luisa. Family secrets will be shattered, blood will be split and love will be buried deep. "When." This isn't a love st...
