Numb | TAYNEW Fanfiction

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[Feels like this song kinda fits ~

https://youtu.be/mG3mfZp6llo ]

*Emotional flatness or emotional blunting refers to ones feelings and emotions dulling to the extent that he/she neither feels up nor down.

Newwiee's POV:

"Yes, yes I'm reaching home Tay. See you soon. I miss you jub jub." I said with a smile as I hung up the video call. It was late at night and I finally reached home after a long day of work. I hesitated before opening the door. My smile faded the moment I entered the dark room.

Light spilled in from the gaps of the door and I stared soullessly at my shadow that stretched across the floor. I let the door close automatically behind me as I took off my shoes, placing them onto the rack neatly before the door closed completely.

There was no point in switching on the lights and I waited patiently for my eyes to adjust to the darkness. The silence that filled the room was loud. I found the hypocrisy in that funny. Yet I couldnt laugh.

I stared blankly at the wall as I slowly sat down in the corner of the room. It honestly didnt matter where I sat. It was my house anyways and there was nobody else to mind it. But I sat at the most inconspicious spot anyways. I folded my legs and placed my head on my knees. I hugged my knees as I sat motionlessly on the cold hard floor like that for who knew how long. It felt the same to me.

The deafening silence. The darkness. The emptiness. The loneliness. I didnt feel sad. But I didn't feel happy either. I felt numb. I didn't like it. But it wasn't like I had a choice. I remembered nights when I stayed like this till morning. I didn't remember if I slept. I didn't remember if I ate. I didn't feel sleepy. I didn't feel hungry either.

I probably ate enough during the day. I probably slept enough during the naps I took behind the set. Maybe other times when I rested my eyes while I was here. My mind was usually fairly empty during this time. It was peaceful. Tranquil. It was comfortable, yet uncomfortable. The feeling didn't sit quite right with me, but there was nothing I could do about it. My family stayed far away from me. My parents rarely called. Neither did I.

If I thought about it, it probably started since young. I was always home alone. My parents were busy people. They simply didn't have the time to spend it with me. I remembered that I would sit in the corner of my house, staring at the door. I would wait. I remembered that one time my mother came home in the middle of the night and scolded me harshly for wasting electricity and leaving all the lights in the house on. So after that, I would always wait in the dark. Wait till the door opened. Sometimes it opened when it was totally dark, sometimes it opened when it was totally bright. All I knew was that back then, whenever I sat like this, I could wait. Whenever I sat like this, I could be patient. Whenever I sat like this, I could be free from emotions that made me sad.

Friends. I have friends. I have work. I have Meme. I had girlfriends. I have Tay as well. During the day I felt as if I became a different person. I felt as if I could feel again. I felt human again. I didn't know exactly when I started to become like this whenever I was alone at home. Maybe I had always been like this. I didn't really understand why either.

I could cry properly on set. I could smile, I could laugh, I could act. I could control my emotions well and the emotions off camera felt real to me. I felt whatever I felt when I was outside. On the other hand, my home felt like a cage to me. But it was a cage I had to come back to everyday.

I recalled the times Tay stayed over at my place. It felt unfamiliar having the lights on at night, after all, I was taught not to on the lights and I didn't need to see to get to this corner anyways. And well MeMe? She was a cat. She had night-vision. Whatever it was, it was an unfamiliar feeling, having noise fill the house. Having someone besides me in the house, yet I felt.. happy? I felt something inside this cage and I liked it. Tay truly lived up to his name - Tawan. Like the sun, he brightened up my life. He lit up my cage. It was probably then when he started to become irreplaceable in my heart. But he wasn't here now.