Numb | TAYNEW Fanfiction

(scared)

Newwiee's POV:

"I need to go to the washroom for a bit." I said quietly, feeling a wave of nausea hit. He nodded blankly, mumbling that he would wait for me outside. I relaxed a little, reassuring myself that he couldn't see through my mask. I had perfected it after all. Did he notice? It can't crack yet, definitely not now.

I swallowed the rising bile, maintaining a straight face as I walked briskly to the toilet. Every step I took came with a stabbing pain shooting up from my stomach, but I had to move. I knew I couldn't hold it in much longer. I stole a glance before I closed the toilet door, checking to see if he was really walking out. I saw his back facing me and immediately locked the door, letting my guard down as I finally dropped onto the floor.

The urge to vomit had been rising ever since I forced the fries down my throat. I was full from just half the burger- my loss of appetite had created a bad habit of skipping meals and having tiny portions of snacks just enough to keep me going throughout the day. This in turn resulted in me feeling terribly full from just ice cream and half a burger. But I knew that the old me would have eaten that and more. I could easily finish large amounts of food last time and an even larger amount of desserts.

But... not anymore. Not now at least.

My stomach was the smallest its ever been, and has always been weak. What felt like a normal amount to me previously was like three giant portions right now. Stuffing myself to the brim? Not the best decision.

I felt regret cloud my head as I gripped either sides of the toilet bowl, bracing myself as I felt the disgusting and nauseating feeling rise. I didn't try to suppress it this time and shut my eyes tight as I dumped out all the contents in my stomach.

It wasn't pleasant.

I vomitted again and again till all that came out was air.

I trembled as stayed in that hunched position, gagging. My insides spasmed so hard and the acid burned and stung. The smell was absolutely horrendous and it made me feel like puking all over again. If I had anything left to puke that is. My head spun, making me feel a little light-headed and dizzy. But I felt way better now, relieved even. I slumped onto the dirty floor, panting as I collected myself.

Unfortunately, even that moment of relief was brief. Now that my mind had cleared up quite abit, I was helpless against the despair that came with the stinging in my throat. Why was my body like this? Why was I like this? Why... me? Why was I so... broken? Why can't I function like a normal human being? Why must I suffer through such pain? Why is life so... hard?

I felt like crying. So, so badly.

But no tears came.

I felt so uncomfortable and nauseas for a moment I wondered why was I even alive. Why did I have to bear through all this just for... eating? Why did it hurt so much? Why does even eating have to hurt?

...was it too much to ask?

Forget asking to be able to express my emotions well, my real emotions. Forget asking to get rid of all my fears and insecurities. Forget asking for a perfect body that no one would hate on anymore. Forget asking my parents to love me.

I just wanted to eat happily with Tay.

Why was that so hard?

My insides twisted painfully and I felt a heavy pang in my chest. Every part of me just hurt so much now I couldn't even breathe. It made me wish I was home. Home where I wouldn't be suffering like this. Home where I could be numb to everything. Numb to all these sensations and thoughts.