Numb | TAYNEW Fanfiction

guilt

Tay Tawan's POV:

I woke up to hin's face. It was close, so close!! I jerked back, feeling my cheeks flush. He looked so adorable up close. Wait, we were on the bed? When did we get onto the bed? We were hugging each other and I quickly turned around, smiling shyly.

My smile faded as yesterday night's memory resurfaced. My eyes stung. My heart stung. My throat was parched and it hurt. My head felt light and it throbbed painfully.

"I'm sorry Te." His whisper was like thunder to my ears. I was the one who had barged into his house, the one who had hurt him, the one who had selfishly cried the whole night and burdened him. Yet he was the one who apologised first. He was always the one to apologize. No matter who was in the wrong and usually, it was my fault. Even our fight at the start of this year. I selfishly ignored him first when he didn't even do anything wrong. I was always the one hurting him. It was always me. But he never once blamed me. Not even when the whole world blamed him because of me. He never once thought of it as my fault. He would ask if I was alright. He would always put me first. But what about me?

"Te?" He asked.

"...are you okay?" Tears filled my eyes again as my voice trembled. He got up and knelt down in front of me, holding my hands. They were warm now. They weren't cold like yesterday. I felt myself grow even more emotional.

"I'm fine now. Thank you." His voice was warm and he looked at me. His eyes looked pained.

I spluttered, "Why didn't you tell me?" I didn't know what I was saying. I didn't know why I was blaming him. I didn't know why all the words that came out of my mouth were always so hurtful.

"...I dont know." He said, letting go of my hands. I felt my heart sink as my hands felt cold and empty without his touch. He turned around and sat on the floor, letting his back face me instead.

I felt wretched. I stared at the bedsheets and realised that they were dusty. They were also tidy. Too tidy. I looked around the room and I realised that everything looked dusty. It looked like an unused room. As if he hadn't come here for months. My eyes shook as I felt another surge of saddness wash over me. The image of hin sitting in silence in the corner scarred me. Did he sit there every night? Did he even sleep?

I felt blood drain from my face as I realized that he probably didn't sleep. That was the real reason why he fainted the other day. No, he probably didn't even come inside the room. He probably just sat there everyday until the next day. Alone. But.. when? Ever since I started ignoring him? But that was so many months ago...!! I felt suffocated, as if I couldn't breathe. My heart hurt so bad.

I barely managed a whisper, "how long has this been going on for?"

"I have always been like this. So you don't need to worry." He answered coldly. I felt as if someone had doused cold water all over me. I felt so hurt. I felt as if he was shutting me out. I thought I knew hin inside out. But now I realised that I knew nothing about this side of him until now.

I reached over and hugged him. My voice was soft and shaking. "..tell me?" Please tell me. Anything. Anything at all. Dont block me out. Don't push me away.
We sat in silence after that. I waited anxiously but didn't rush him. I knew that he hated talking about his feelings, and that he hated showing his feelings so I waited. I wanted him to be comfortable enough to tell me himself. I didn't want to force him. I didn't want to hurt him more than I already have.

"...where to begin?" He asked. I exhaled softly. I was relieved. He was willing to open up. I felt a glimmer of hope in the darkness.

"From the start. All of it. I want to know." I stroked his hair gently. I wanted to know. I wanted to know all about it. All about him.

*RINGGGGG*

My phone suddenly rang. "Ignore it." I muttered. What if he decided to keep it in? He finally agreed to open up. It would be even harder to get him to confide in me again if I were to leave him now.

I feverently wished that whoever was calling me would just shut up for a while. This was an important moment!!
However, my phone ceased to stop ringing. The shrill ringtone reverbrated throughout the whole house and I clicked my tongue. I was nervous and annoyed. I got up and quickly switched off my phone.

"Where are you going?" I asked nervously as hin stood up as well.

"Water." He pointed at the flask behind me. I heaved a sigh of relief. I was scared that he would back out. Scared that he would ask me to leave. Scared that he would leave. He poured me a glass of water and I gulped it down thirstily. My throat screamed for more water, but I wanted to talk to him now. Before he changed his mind. Before I regretted it.

After that, we sat down on the bed. I held his hands as he began to tell me his story. He told me how since young, he would sit and wait for his parents. And when he moved to his own apartment, he would sit and wait for tomorrow instead. He told me how he stopped sitting there as we became best friends and how he started to sit there again ever since we fought. He told me how exhausted he was, his messed up sleep schedules, his loss of appetite, his struggle to act like someone else, someone better, someone unlike himself.

He told me about the arguement with his parents and how depressed he felt, how wretched he felt, how lost and alone he felt. How betrayed he felt when I left his life. I wept silently as I hugged me, apologising non-stop in between sniffles.

My hin was suffering alone this whole time, but I never knew. I never knew that I had impacted him so much. I never knew that he had a falling out with his parents for me. I never knew that his parents hated me to that extent, and he went just as far to keep his promise.. while I.. I broke it. I broke it just because of.. some tiny little problem. I broke my promise because I was silly and I broke hin along with it.

I never knew that those nights when I had childishly ignored him, I had scarred him so badly. I never knew that those nights that I wasn't there for him had shaped him to become the current hin. I never knew that I made him step out of his comfort zone only to make him shrink back inside more. I never knew that he was hurting so much on the inside. I never knew that I would come to blame myself so much for my stupidity.

I felt so guilty. My heart hurt when I thought about his expressionless face, sitting there alone in a big house for hours. Why? Why wasn't I there for him? Why did I leave him alone time and time again? Why did I do what I did? What kind of a best friend was I? What kind of a boyfriend was I?

I whispered "sorry" over and over as I wept uncontrollably. It was my fault. I couldn't rewind time and be there for him when he was young. I couldn't rewind time and slap myself for ignoring him. I couldn't rewind time and prevent this all from happening. I couldn't even comfort him. I didnt even know how to. All I could do was sit there and cry. Cry because of me.

[...(•n•) thanks for reading yallz]