Numb | TAYNEW Fanfiction

realization

3rd Person POV:

It was late at night when they finally stumbled back home. They reeked of the sea, sand and sweat.

"Go take a shower." New grumbled as he nudged Tay to the bathroom.

Tay let himself be pushed into the bathroom but stilled as soon as New turned to leave. He turned around and blocked New from closing the door.

"Join me?" He smirked. But Tay failed to be charismatic as his ears turned bright red. He was flushed from his own words and didn't know why courage always came to him at the oddest of times.

"Ai, Te, stop joking around." New sighed and pushed Tay away. He tried his best not to show it, but his body had tensed up considerably and he was jittery. Tay picked up on this and quickly backed up, giving New room to breathe.

It was too soon. Tay had picked the worst time to be bold. Tay clenched his fist, swallowing the lump in his throat as he opened his mouth in an attempt to resolve any misunderstanding that New might form again.

"If it's about your body, I swear, I really feel only love and adoration for it. I won't be disappointed." Tay looked up at New sincerely with worried eyes. His voice was warm and soft, expressing his true feelings.

But his slightly excessive concern made New uncomfortable.

"...I need time." His voice was small as he avoided Tay's gaze. He really wanted to be confident. He wanted to tease and joke back at Tay, turning Tay into his usual panicked gay self and him his usual confident gay self like how he would act in the past. Better yet, he wanted to actually take a shower with Tay. He knew Tay was half-serious about it and he himself wanted it too.

He was a man too. He wanted to see Tay's naked body and let Tay see his too.

But he couldn't.

He couldn't find it in him to feel brave enough to do it. Neither could he find it in him to even joke back about it. He couldn't ignore the thought of seeing disappointment or worse - pity, flash through his eyes. He couldn't ignore his insecurity that screamed that he was ugly. He couldn't ignore his own feelings. His own feelings that told him he wasn't ready. Something about being back at his house late at night made the hold that his insecurities had on him grow. Something about the mirror behind Tay made him scared.

It made him feel small.

Small and pathetic.

And Tay trying to be nice about it wasn't helping. It just made him feel more rushed and pathetic. It made him feel like he didn't deserve someone so sweet and kind. It made him feel like he was letting Tay down. It made him feel disappointed... in himself.

Tay felt a pang in his chest as he noticed New's evident discomfort. He didn't mean to force the younger. He really didn't mean to tap on his insecurities.

"...I know. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to push you. Really. I'll wait till whenever you are ready." Tay said gently, brushing aside a few strands covering New's eyes.

He meant it.

"...Thanks." His dark eyes met Tay's and New gave him a small smile, breathing a quiet sigh of relief. He knew Tay meant what he said.

He waved his hand over his head before walking out of the bathroom, leaving a bitter Tay behind.

Tay scratched his head in frustration as he gently slammed the door shut.

He wondered why he always messed things up.

...

New made his way slowly back to the living room.