Numb | TAYNEW Fanfiction

numb part 2

New Thitipoom's POV:

After we reconciled, we decided to try dating. Back then I was sure that we could go back to the past. But the me back then was naive to believe that as the weeks where he ignored me remained etched in my mind.

I remembered sitting on my bed as I waited and waited. Then sending another text before waiting and waiting again. I remembered feeling something then. Sad? Scared? Maybe. Maybe even now. I remember being scared of feeling those emotions. I was in agony those weeks but I couldn't cry. I felt so terrible inside but when I stared at my reflection in the mirror, I looked fine. I couldn't express my saddness. I couldn't release it. I remember being so scared of my own face. It looked like the face of a doll, not a person. I hurt so much to the point that breathing was difficult. To the point that standing was difficult. Everything was difficult. But I looked fine. Did that mean I was fine then? I gradually began to doubt my own emotions. After all, I had never experienced feeling like this at home. I felt lost, hurt and lonely.

...All I knew was that I had gradually stopped using my phone whenever I got home. I had stopped going to the bed. I had stopped switching on the light again. I had stopped doing anything when I got home. I just came back to this spot and waited. Waited till tomorrow arrives. Waited till the sun rose and lit up the house. Waited till it was time to go to work again. Time to function. It was my only constant. The only time when as long as I waited, I would be okay the next day. I would be okay while waiting. I would be okay here.

I was good at waiting. But I didn't want to wait. I didn't like it either. The hate comments directed to me? I didnt care. I cared about Tay. When we resolved the argument, Tay told me that he would stop avoiding me. But Tay was busy now. Busy with filming new series, new shows. I could wait. But I didn't want to. I didn't want to feel whatever I felt during the weeks of waiting. It felt different. It was waiting with expectation. Waiting with feelings. I was sad then. But no tears came out. I was frustrated. But there was nothing I could do. I was angry. But no sound came out from my throat. Whenever I was home. The fact that that began to seep into my life in the day greatly scarred me as well. I hated feeling terrible inside yet looking perfectly fine on the outside. No one even realized I wasn't fine. Not even Tay. I couldn't blame them though, I was pretty good at acting. So one day I even wanted to stop acting like I was fine, only to realize that I didn't know how to. Because it suddenly didn't feel like an act anymore. Suddenly, acting sad was an act. Acting angry or frustrated was an act. I was lost. So lost. Confused and in a turmoil.

Things only got worse from there as suddenly more people started scruntizing my every action and critizing me for everything I did that could be taken as offensive. It blew up all over social media, twitter especially. I didn't even know it was happening as I barely used twitter anymore. No one told me either, not my friends nor the company. I found out from the hate that flooded the comments section on my instagram. I was shocked and.. sad. The hate I got from this was different from the hate I got for having a girlfriend. They hated my girlfriend and disapproved of me then, but now they hated me. They hated my actions my words and all of me. Even after I apologized for everything I've unintentionally done wrong, people still weren't satisfied. I began to feel as if I had to watch myself even more, as if I had to start acting like the perfect son again. I had to stop joking around as much as majority of the jokes I made could be taken the wrong way, or interpreted into an offensive one. I had to watch my every word, my every action. The only time I could be.. myself was taken away from me. There was suddenly not one moment where I wasn't acting. It became tiring. So tiring...

I started to question if they actually liked New Thitipoom Techaapaikhun or the roles I played on screen. Did they only like me as M, Apo, Kao or whoever I acted? Did that mean I had to act like someone else again... everywhere else? How did I even usually act? I didn't even know anymore. I already had no idea if I was acting fine or not, but now I had no choice but to act like I was fine and... more. I became even more stressed. My schedule became more hectic as well as I got casted for three more remake series. I started to work at 5am and ended late at 11pm everyday. I became so exhausted especially since the only time my body could take a break was during the short naps during the day and when I unknowingly fell asleep for a few hours sitting here.