A/N: In light of recent events, AKA MysterySaviour telling me about how the average dick size in America is bigger than in Russia, I have decided to write this
WARNING:
•no actual sex, but sexual themes, and mentions of sex
~~~
Russia and America have always had some sort of rivalry. That much was obvious. They'd make a competition out of anything, a lot of it being small and stupid, and very petty. Who could do more paperwork in an hour? Who could name more figures of pi? Which one of them could get to the fucking moon first?
And yet, despite all of that, they never had a problem loving each other.
Of course, cohabitation led to even more competitive bouts, such as waking up first, doing the dishes, making dinner, all that and more, because they both so loved the thrill of going head to head.
And not just anybody, it had to be them.
They never felt more need to prove themselves more to anyone but each other.
It should have been worrisome for other countries, but America and Russia were really just dumbasses, despite everything. Sure, sometimes their competitive nature got the better of them, leading to arguments, leading to actual physical fights, but when they make the smallest things a race, it's hard for them to ever really fight about anything really big.
So of course it was inevitable, when one day, they had this conversation.
"Russia"
"Hm?"
"You remember when we used to fight all the time?"
Russia turned his head to look at America, who lay beside him, and give him this incredulous look.
"Used to??"
"No, I mean, like, really fight. Before we got together, and shit, y'know?"
"Yeah. We were at each other's throats a lot. I'd say still are, but better. Not as bad," Russia nodded, looking thoughtful, his eyes scanning over America's face and body.
"Yeah, not as bad," America concurred.
He gave a fake chuckle and said, "Remember when we would yell at each other about who had a bigger dick?"
Russia's smile quirked sideways as his eyebrows furrowed upward into a look of amused disbelief.
"Yes? Why?"
"Well, we've been together a while, but I just thought about it. Which one of us actually has a bigger penis?"
Russia snorted a laugh at the question, "Whahat? Why does it matter?"
"I don't know, it matters to me!"
America turned on his side and Russia followed suit, both of them resting their heads on one hand to look each other in the eye. Russia scooted closer and rested his other arm on America waist, inviting America to move in as well.
Actually, Russia thought about it now.
"Hm, I don't know, actually. I mean, I think we're close in size, right? I've never really bothered to care."
America laughed, "Yeah, kinda hard to compare when I'm having the light fucked out of me, huh?"
Russia blushed at the choice of words, but nodded. How America could be so blunt after sex was beyond him. It was like a post-orgasm switch just shut off the shame in his brain.
America hummed and kissed Russia's nose.
"I bet I have the bigger dick, though."
Russia raised one brow and smirked, "oh yeah?"
"Yeah, I bet I got you beat!"
"I doubt it. I'm pretty big myself."
"BeT!"
"Alright, bet."
So they scrambled out of bed, each throwing on a pair of boxers to walk around and look for a ruler. They might be comparing dick sizes, but that's no reason to accidentally scar the neighbors.
"Will this work?" Russia asked as he pulled some measuring tape from their maintenance closet.
"Yeah, that works."
So they chased each other back up to their bedroom, and sat at the edge of the bed. America leaned back on the bed to pull his boxers all the way off, while Russia just pulled his own down a little to reveal his penis.
"Who first?"
"You go," America said.
So Russia measured his and recorded, "21--" he paused, remembering America was really bad with the metric system, "8...and a half inches."
"Oh, not bad," America grinned.
He snatched the tape from Russia and rolled it out alongside his shlong.
"Well?" Russia prodded while leaning over to look at the measurement.
America pressed the button on the tape measurer, and held it up for Russia's eyes.
"9 and a half. Biiitch."
Russia looked at the measurements, too shocked for words, and yes. It read nine and a half inches.
"No way!" Russia said, pulling it fro. America's hands.
"Don believe me? Oh we--hey!"
America startled when Russia held up his flaccid member all of a sudden, aligning it along the tape measure again.
America grinned through his surprise, down at Russia, who glared back.
"Told you I had the bigger dick, babe," he taunted wickedly.
Russia frowned further, before shrugging and letting apathy take over his face.
He stood up, still bent at the knees and hunched so he looked America in the face. He smiled, but his eyes didn't match it.
"What's with that f-woAh!"
America grunted when he was pushed back into the bed by Russia. Russia smirked and held America's right leg up by it's thigh, and holding his left leg down, but spread out. America couldn't help the arousal growing from being pushed about like this, and smiled promiscuously at his lover.
Russia leaned further down and took America's lips with his own, leading in a bruising, biting kiss that left the other gripping and pushing at his shoulder. Whether or not it was meant to encourage or push him away, was unknown.
Russia finally released him from the painfully pleasing kiss and America panted heavily. All lust and love was clear in his eyes and Russia wanted nothing more than to give him exactly what he wanted. He kissed America's cheek, and then a kiss to his eyelids, his nose, his brow. His kisses travelled up and down America's body, along with his hands, which brushed his skin everywhere, and every sensation made America squirm more than the last.
Russia made his way back up to his lips, and gave him a softer kiss this time, licking those bitten, scabbed lips of his.
He propped himself over America using both hands, and brought his knees onto the bed, pushing one between America's legs. He leaned down and whispered into his ear, his voice low and the words he said could've made America cry from the frustration of his arousal.
"Doesn't change to fact that you can't top for shit."
~~~
A/N: can y'all believe that took me only a little over an hour to do? I can't even believe I wrote it.
I did get carried away, but you know what, that's just more for you guys to read.
Sorry not sorry
