I wish I knew

Face your demons.. let it out

Days went like they were weeks, weeks felt like months, and kami couldn't get over her father's death, in fact the ghosts from her past kept hunting her, the pain from her ex still in there at some corner deep in her heart, than this accident allowed all of her scars to open again.. Kami didn't fully forgive her self didn't fully reach the point of accepting the truth and learn from life lessons and move on, and who can blame her, life is not easy it never was for any of us.
She tried to hold on to be strong for her family, she went with her life because sadly life doesn't stop on anything or anyone.

Kami was tierd of pretending that everything is okay and she's actually healing, she fake each smile and laugh, untill she couldn't take it anymore, that felt like she was pushing emotions that's she should feel there is no escape from them, pushing them away caused her an other kind of misery.

She took care of her self alone since she was a kid, she never counted on anyone and her father was there for her to teach her that, he was hard on her and she hated him sometimes but now everything makes sense to her, she missed him so much and her brain couldn't help bringing all the sweet memories they had, realizing that they will never come back broke her heart, she was sick and tierd of crying all the time, that she had to distract her self with anything.. because deep down she was scared that she will be in the middle of a mantelbreakdown alone with no one to be there for her.

She was exercising each day, she didn't stay home at all stayed out late too, she was exhausting herself because it was the only was that she will pass out finally and sleep to run from her demons. She was at the worst stage of her life.

Eda was trying to help her but kami didn't fully open up to her, she kind of pushed her away but in a nice way too. She tried to make her believe that she's okay, and who can't believe that she always has been the strongest gurl among everyone that though she was made of stone, but Eda knew kami better she knows everything about her, she tried to get close to her to help her out.. kami called Eda for a car ride when they were talking while kami driving.. Eda could see how kami trying so hard to be okay or to act like it.. fake positive energy smiles and laughs that didn't feel right.

"Pull over" Eda said "what's why?" Kami replied "just pull over kami I need to talk to you" "alright" kami pulled the car over and said "what is it?" "You are not okay kami you can't fool me with this" "what I'm fine .. it is hard but I'm fine" "you are not kami.. you keep faking pushing people away but I'm not leaving you on this alone.." "i don't know what you're talking about" she said "you can talk to me about anything you know that right!" Eda reaches for Kami's hand squeezing it "I'm here for you" when kami held her tears "I'm fine just.. I'm okay" she got out of the car when Eda followed her to sit next to her .." I Kno what losing a parent feels like.. I can understand this better than anyone else kami" "I know you do.. I just don't want to hurt anyone else" "what? No you won't why u say that?" "When I'm hurting I shutdown.. I hurt them if they get close.. I say things..bad things" "I won't blame you I.." "NO! Just stop" "I'm not fucking doing that" Eda looked at kami deeply in her eyes "I'm not" "it hurts .." kami said crying.. "I keep pushing people away because I know.. I know that they won't help because I need to pass this alone" "not alone we will toghter" "these are feelings that I've been pushing away, that I know I should feel what I need to feel and let go but I'm so scared.. my heart" she said holding her chest"I'm sick and it's making it harder Eda!" Eda looked at kami in pain when she added "I'm so scared that ill lose more people in my life, I'm being strong for mom and Adam but I can't anymore I can't I.."

Kami was having a hard time she was crying her eyes out, telling Eda how hard this feels, she was scared to allow the pain to take over because it won't go away again "let it all out babe, cry it out I'm here for you" Eda told her "you don't have to do this alone I know how hard this is, and you are strong enough to face it you just belive in yourself like we all belive in you!" She said hugging her "if you ever need to take a break and cry, do it cry it all out, feel the pain feel that pain crushing your browns" kami cried louder in Eda's words "you must feel it all to let it go.. pushing feelings away will only make them bigger to face later and they will take you down" kami hugged her back her tears were like rain drops didn't stop falling.. wetting Eda's jacket " I know it hurts and I'm sorry I wish I can share it with you, but you have to face it.. I can't promise you it will be easy but I promise you won't do it alone.." Eda said crying over her girl's shoulders .. seeing her in such pain broke her heart..

Kami pulled back drying her tears our.. when Eda held her head " keep it up fighter.. your head should stay up, you need to forgive yourself.. forgive the past that it couldn't be any different, the memories will hunt you, the pain will too, the "what ifs and I wish" too but it won't make the last any different".. kami cried again she just couldn't spell a word out "hey it's okay! You don't have to say anything" Eda told her hugging her back "you just do one thing, cry, feel, lay on me I'm here for you you will feel better"..
Eda drove her back home and spent the night making sure she is okay.. she was there for her like kami was there for her as well..

The dark nights never left kami alone for weeks, she was trying her best and for her it was pathetic to get up each morning wishing she didn't, getting ready, have to eat and shower and had work to do, kami was 29 and she had life to live, she wasn't 20 to cry herself to sleep than stay in bed all day untill she pass out and wake up in the hospital.. she knew that she must go on she must move on, it was hard and still is hard, but she has to do it anyways there is no other way to reach happiness other than facing the sadness.. she was stronger than before, she didn't see it yet or realize it but she was stronger than ever.. with Eda and Niya's help life got better, slowly but it was getting there.. we need such people in our lives to be there for us, not judje us or compare our pain to their pain because it ain't a competition.

Friends are blessing, finding the love of your life, and actually be your friend and lover at the same time is amazing, also surrounding yourself with people who love you, support you, bring joy into your life is what you will demand and allow into your life while you're growing up..

If they don't bring benefits into your life don't let them in, or at least don't make them a matter, because you will end up in a black hole full of misery.

Nothing lasts for ever not the happy life and nor the sad one, and realizing that everything has an end good or bad.. it a next level of maturation.