The New Click

An Untold Secret

     Hey guys ! Just wanted to make a real quick disclaimer about this chapter and the story onwards from this point. If you read the description, you will know that this story gets into some real sensitive topics that I specifically wanted to bring to light. And doing so, I want to make it VERY clear that if you are sensitive, and be honest, with topics such as depression and self harm I HIGHLY suggested that you skip this chapter ! I promise you wont miss any key details in this chapter and the story will progress as normal. This is just a chapter to start to bring light to mental illnesses which many people suffer from. With that said, be careful and be honest with yourself before reading. Thank you and I love you <3

     I sat there, in the dark, looking at a dark screen. Just... thinking. Thinking about the week, the day, the people... everything. I forgot how lost one can get when thinking deeply about things. It's almost like a maze, almost impossible to escape. Hitting a wall at almost every corner and hitting dead ends with no where else to go. It's been a while since I started thinking like this and getting lost in the maze of my mind. Making my mood swing from happy to sad to angry to happy to sad and then stay sad for a while. 

     Sad. It's the one emotion I have many problems with. It's the one emotion I've had the longest history with, and it's the only emotion I can't escape from, no matter how hard I try to seem happy. It's always sad. The sad with the crying and the thoughts and... and... actions... That's what bothers me with sadness. It does not go away. 

     Ever since I was with him, it started. The constant crying, the love of being alone, the constant sleeping or the little sleep I would get every week. Sometimes it would go from sleeping 10 hours a day to only sleeping about 1 each day. It depended on him and how he was feeling that day. It felt like I was in control of nothing, not even my own body. He controlled it, just like he controlled everything. The only thing that made me feel like I had control was... well... I told myself I wouldn't do it again, but... we all know it's not that easy. 

     I lost myself. I lost everything when I found him. I thought everything would be alright, I thought I would be safe. But, I wasn't. I mean, he was a charm before but, it soon turned into destruction after things got serious. I would crave for him to be gone, for him to leave, because I knew I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I loved him, at least at one point I did. But when he changed, I started to crave the man he was before and got lost trying to see the man I fell so hard for. It took me years and so many people telling me I had to leave to finally open my eyes to see what was going on. 

     But, even after I realized everything, I still couldn't leave. The was no chance that he wouldn't hunt me down at the sight of my existence gone. However, I went on a limb, almost literally, and finally left. Left the world I was so lost in. The world I didn't belong in. 

This is where things will get real so if you haven't left, this is your last chance. Please.

     I was driving myself into madness thinking about the memories, how I was so stupid. Blind. Ignorant. Dismissive. Dumb. Just... a liar. Not only to the people I trusted the most, but myself. And that cuts deeper than any knife could. Trust me, I tested it. I made so many excuses and so many lies to people that were only trying to help. Trying to tell me that everything was not what I was making it out to be. I was living in hell and I didn't even notice. 

     Thinking about it, just makes my blood boil. I lost people, and for what? Love? That was far from it. I looked at the screen and I thought of him. The way he would boss me around and I would obey like his little puppet. I was hanging on his strings, and with every order I didn't follow through with that string would get cut off. And I would suffer from it. I would take the punishment even if I did everything right, I would still get punished and pushed and kicked and yelled at. I can still hear his screams even to this day. Even years after I left, the thought of him hunting me down and killing me because I left. That was and still is my biggest fear, no matter what I say to others or try to convince them, him finding me and dragging me back to his hell is the scariest thing to me.