The New Click

The Letters I Can't Say

Real quick! There is a trigger warning!!! If you cannot handle what happens in a marked paragraph, I STRONGLY advise you to skip over it! Please stay safe and make sure to take care of yourself and others <3

      I drove straight to the nearest hospital after that to get treated. Thankfully, I didn't break anything, but I did have a mild concussion and some memory loss, though they would say those two are treatable. I used to stolen money to pay for the medicine that I needed, ending up with 50 dollars and some spare change. I was fortunate enough to have the money to get breakfast and my luggage through the airport in time to catch my flight back home. 

     I have never realized how much I missed my mom and the rest of my family. It had been years since I last seen them in person. However, I made excuses over what had happened back in America with him to avoid them asking questions that I didn't want to bother with. I would tell them... just later. I didn't know it would backfire at me so hard.

     After I came back to Australia, I had found Kath through some old photos from friends that I was still really good friends with on Facebook. I saw her tag and thought it was really weird, so I pressed on it and looked at a post of hers. I immediately recognized the fun smile and straight dirty blonde hair she's been known for since high school. I couldn't help but message her later on, saying only hi in case she didn't recognized initially that it was me. A few minutes later I got a response back and I couldn't have been happier with her reply saying: 'IS THAT MY BUDDY ?????'. We started talking quite frequently after that, catching up a little bit before she asked where I was. I, of course, told her where and was surprised to see that she was not too far away. That's where she asked for me to stay over there and so, that's where the journey began. 

     Looking back on rebuilding my life seemed amazing to those who had not lived the memories I did. Funny enough, my YouTube channel had started to grow and more after the events. Yet, I would never touch bases on what my personal past was like. I just wore the smile and happy voice as a mask to forget. Making videos had healed the pain for the moment, and seeing all of these people laughing with me instead of at me changed my mindset and for some moments I was happy. Though nothing can stop the flashbacks. Nothing can stop the constant reminders of the words inscribed into my being. The "why are you wearing this?", "you look like a slut", "god, why can't you be skinnier" etc., etc... It was constant, the voices. 

     For those who can't relate to what depression is like, it's like the constant nagging of a parent about everything you do in the worst way possible. You simply can't rid of that parent, they are stuck with you. No matter how much you try to get rid of them, you can't. Depression is not something that simply washes away, it's not simply an emotion. It's not even simple. According to psychiatry.org: "Depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think, and how you act." It is a mental disorder. It can affect your mental mindset but also your physical being. From bridgestorecovery. com: "...causing fatigue, digestive issues, pain, and other complications related to poor decisions made in a depressed mood." So, those who believe it'll wash away or the solution is to just be happy are the same people who do not understand the severity of depression and possibly other mental disorders. 

     I was like this. But, I didn't want to get treated. Making videos were helping and started to be my coping mechanism. It worked for a while, until things started to come back. The fear, the paranoia, and the memories hit me like an anvil. I can't explain why, but it did, very quickly. See, my depression was not "fixed" with occupying my time with YouTube, it was just suppressed. I realize that, yes it has gotten better, but not by much. The voices still haunt me. Little things start triggering me. Nothing seems fun anymore. And this was happening even when I was not on my break. The times where I would be researching video ideas and I would just... crumble, with no warning.