adore you // [h.s]

26

Audrey

My days and night were starting to blur together. I could no longer tell if I was awake or asleep. I couldn't even tell if I was alive most days. All my energy wasted away when I was trying to hide my pain for the sake of others.

It was four in the morning and I was roaming the streets. I had my music blaring so loud that I couldn't even think straight. I didn't want to feel this way anymore, I can't take it. Days ago, I was riding a high and no one could've brought me down. Today, I could barely get out of bed. How is that fair?

I was doing so good, I was happy again. I felt like I could breathe again, why did that have to go away? I'm in a constant state of fear and weariness.

I can't even bring myself to talk to the man that saved me. I can't even answer his phone calls or the door when he knocks. I don't have it in me to look him in the eyes and tell him that I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to keep feeling like this.

Why did that bastard have so much control over me? Why do I still like this? I thought I was better, I knew I was better. I wasn't having panic attacks anymore. I wasn't losing sleep. I wasn't drinking myself to death. All it took was a five-minute conversation and I'm right back to square one. What the hell is wrong with me?

I laid on the hood of my car while I looked to the sky, praying that the answers would be written in the stars. They weren't.

I felt my phone start to vibrate in my back pocket, I checked to see Harry's face. I sent him straight to voicemail. Not long after, a text came through.

styles;
I just need to know that you're okay baby...

me;
I'm fine

I let out a deep sigh before I laid my phone back down. I can't do this to him. It's pathetic. He deserves more. Harry is too good for me, too kind, too loving. I begged him to be open with me, but I can't bring myself to be open with him.

I started off being so vulnerable with Harry, I don't know what changed. Maybe it's because I know he's in such a good place. It would be selfish of me to bring him down for that. He deserves to feel that good. He deserves to be happy.

My phone lit up with another phone call from Harry, I answered. "Harry," I sighed. "I need to be alone for a little while, please."

"I'll leave you alone, but can you answer this question first?" A familiar accent floated through the phone, causing butterflies to erupt. I didn't know whether to be sad or happy to hear his voice. I felt tears stinging my eyes, but I had to keep it together. I couldn't let him know how broken I was, "Do you still want this? Is it something I did?"

"Of course, I still want you." My voice was shaky. My hands started to shake. "I just need to be alone for a little while," I repeated.

"Audrey, I'm trying so hard to be here but you won't let me in." I let tears roll down my cheeks. "I just need you to understand that I'm going to wait, okay?" He sniffled. Congratulations Audrey, you broke him. You made him cry, way to go. "I'm not going anywhere. I know that you're struggling, and I hope that one day we can talk about it."

"I promise one day I'll tell you everything, but that can't be today." He hummed. "Bye Harry," I said before I ended the phone call.

I could no longer hold this heartbreak back, all my grief poured out in a flood of uncontrollable tears. I laid my hands against my aching chest. "What the hell is wrong with me?" I cried as I looked to the sky, "Why am I so messed up?"

**

I trudged into the house around eight o'clock this morning. My mom was in the kitchen enjoying her morning coffee.

"It's getting bad again, isn't it?" I stopped dead in my tracks whenever her words floated through the air. "You've been staying out all night again, sleeping all day." I could see her tear-stained cheeks as I walked over to her. "Please just talk to me, Audrey. I've been so worried about you."

"I'm fine." I lied, praying that she would believe me.

"Don't." She said sternly. "Don't do that to me again." She begged. "Please, Audrey."

I sat down in the chair across from her. I tried to find the right words. I have caused everyone so much heartbreak these past few days, and I can't even make it up to them.

"I saw him the other day," I said while I played with the ring on my finger. "I was at The Grove shopping and I ran into him. He talked to me, held my shoulders, touched my hair." While the words spilled out on the table, my body started to sting. "I can still feel his touch on my body."

"Why haven't you told me this, Audrey? I could've been here." Her voice was shaky, I knew she was crying but I couldn't look at her. "Have you told Harry?"

I shook my head, "I didn't want to tell anyone. I wanted to deal with this on my own, it's something that I have to do on my own." I looked to the ceiling to ensure none of these tears would escape my eyes. "I wanted to tell you both, I really did. I just couldn't, I can barely bring myself to talk to Harry."

"Audr-"

"I feel like shit." I talked over her, "I begged Harry to be open with me about how he felt, but I can't do the same for him. He deserves so much more than me, mom." I ran my fingers through my hair, "I dodged his calls for days, then last night I finally answered. He told me he would wait, that's bullshit. I was about to leave him because he couldn't tell me how he felt, but he's going to wait for me when I haven't talked to him in days. Why would he do that? Why wouldn't he just leave?"

"Because he loves you." She said, "I know that he hasn't said it, but he's called me every day to check on you."

"I don't deserve that," I said. "I'm too shitty."

"Stop." She scolded me, placing her hands firmly on the table, "You deserve a love like that. You deserve a patient and a kind love. I know that it's hard to believe, but you deserve everything. You deserve the world, baby."

"I'm too broken," I whispered before I started crying again.

I buried my face in my hands in an attempt to hide from everything else around me. I felt my mom wrap her around me so tight like she was trying to fix my broken pieces. A piece of me was praying that it would work, but deep down I knew nothing was going to fix me. I need harry.