adore you // [h.s]

68

Audrey

Things haven't been right between Harry and I since the other night. I've been distancing myself praying to God that he would fight for me, but he hasn't. Harry doesn't seem to care at all actually. Every day he wakes up, makes us breakfast, then goes off on a run or to the studio. I don't even know where he goes anymore.

Deep down, I knew this was coming months ago but I prayed that he would have a change in heart. I thought all the new memories we made would be enough to make him stay but I was wrong. I just want him to stay.

It's sometime after two in the morning and I've been watching the ceiling fan twirl for the past hour. Sleep has been foreign to me for so long. I spend hours wandering the empty halls in my brain searching for an answer that doesn't exist. I'll never understand why we meet people, grow with people, just for them to leave in the end.

Why can't I go with him? I just want to be with him.

Harry rolled over onto his back, showing me that he's awake too. We laid beside each other while silence surrounded us. For the first time ever, I feel so weird laying next to Harry. I've never felt like this before. It didn't matter if we argued, if we were distant, or whatever I always wanted to be next to him but right now I'm not sure.

"I don't understand," I sighed as I rolled onto my side. Harry mocked my actions so we could face each other.

"I don't either," he mumbled in a soft voice. "I wish I knew how to fix this without hurting one of us." I furrowed my brows at him, showing him that he needed to explain further because I was lost like a ball in high weeds. "No matter what decision I make, I hurt both of us!"

"How does letting me go with you hurt either of us?"

Immediately my mind started to race with a billion different questions. In my head, I've jumped to every possible conclusion. How does taking me on tour hurt him? Would it kill him to have me there? Is he wanting to mess around with other people while he's away? What the hell?

Before he can speak, I open my mouth again, "How does taking me on tour hurt you at all? Hell, how does it even hurt me?" I can feel myself getting upset. I feel like I'm starting to overheat so I pull myself out of the bed. "I can go on tour with you and take pictures for you! You don't have to pay me, you can keep paying Helene. It would give me the practice that I need! I can still edit for people too, so how on God's green earth is it going to hurt me?"

"I've told you that I can't pull you away from everything whenever you're just getting started. If you went with me on this tour then I would feel like I'm taking opportunities away from you. Do you think it doesn't kill me to leave you behind? Do you think that it's easy for me? I know that I'm hurting you and it's killing me. I keep telling you that I'm going to get better and I'm going to get better, but I never do. All I have ever done is hurt you. I've been closed off, distant, and I've put you in danger. I can't keep you safe if you go on this tour. If something else happens to you, I'll never forgive myself."

By the time Harry is done, he's pulled himself off the bed. We are both standing on opposite sides of the bed, waiting to hear what the other has to say.

"None of that is your fault! Did you think I was going to be safe all the time? No one is safe all the time, that has nothing to do with you! I'm more safe with you than I ever would be on my own. I know that there's been a lot of crazy shit happening, but I knew that there would be at some point! I don't blame you for any of it because it's genuinely not your fault. I knew whenever we first started talking that something would happen, but I didn't give a damn. I still don't give a damn! You can't protect me from everything, baby, no matter how badly you want to."