adore you // [h.s]

49

Audrey

'I think I'm gonna have to keep you around for a little bit longer.'

I know Harry was just joking but god that hurt. My heart shattered in my chest. It took everything in me not to break down and cry right in front of him.

Harry meant no harm, and God love his heart, he has no clue what I've been so upset about. I've debated on telling him, but he has no clue what happened that day at the house. How was I supposed to bring that up?

'Oh hey, totally forgot to mention, drunk Harry told me that sober Harry didn't want to be with me anymore.'

I feel like that wouldn't go over well.

Besides, he's been trying so hard to make it up for how he treated me. He's been so sweet and loving. We were having so much fun together, I couldn't ruin that. I know that I should've talked to him about it, but how could I? I worried if I mentioned it to him then he would leave sooner.

It's selfish of me to keep all this in, but I couldn't lose him. Not yet. I just wanted to keep him around for as long as I could. I wanted to make as many memories with him as possible, so I could hold onto them forever.

If Harry and I didn't work out, I wanted to be able to tell my kids about my first love. I wanted to be able to tell my kids how messy and exciting your first love was. I wanted to be able to tell my daughter to wait for someone who will dance with you, no matter what time of day it was. My kids deserved to know that despite all the arguments, love was always patient and kind. Harry taught me how to love myself and others. I wanted to pass that onto my kids.

There was a sting in my heart whenever I thought about my future without Harry.

I looked over to see him reading 'Burning in Water Drowning in Flame by Charles Bukowski.' He's dressed in sweatpants and that's all other than his glasses. He looked completely unbothered by the world.

"Is it good?" I asked, trying to create a conversation. We haven't talked much but that is entirely my fault.

Harry didn't say anything he just hummed. I watched his eyes run across the page, devouring the book word for word.

"What's it about?"

"It's full of poetry." He answered quickly, "Would you like me to read to you?" I couldn't fight the smile on my face, I nodded.

Harry patted his lap, encouraging me to lay my head down which I did. He looked down at me with a grin on his lips, dimples forming on his cheeks. My pretty boy.

He started to read to me with a soft tone. I could lay here for the rest of my life listening to him read. I don't know why I've never had him read to me, but it will be a nightly thing from now on.

**

I drifted off at some point during Harry reading to me. I'm not sure if he made it through an entire poem before I passed out. I couldn't help it, he had such a soothing voice. Listening to him read put my mind at ease. I had never felt so relaxed in my entire life.

Harry wasn't in bed whenever I woke up but I heard the coffee machine whirling downstairs. I didn't want to move from the bed. I was so warm and in the perfect spot.

It was long before the bedroom door opened, Harry walked in holding two cups of coffee. He looked so happy this morning, "Good morning, sweet girl! How'd you sleep?"

He was trying so hard to make sure I was constantly happy which I was 98% of the time, but the other 2% I kept thinking back to that day in the living room.

I need to talk to him.

"Baby, can we talk?" I blurted out as he handed me the coffee. I watched his entire expression change almost immediately. His creased eyebrows showed me that he was worried.

He sat down on the edge of the bed and nodded. He let me know that I had his full attention.

"I've had this on my mind for a while, but I never knew the right time to talk about it or if I should even talk about it. I've finally realized that there will never be a right time and the longer I hold onto all this the worse it's going to get." Harry was silent, afraid to say anything, "Are you planning on leaving me?"

The worry was immediately replaced with panic. He dropped his eyes to stare at his coffee. The moment he broke eye contact, I knew.

I held back my tears as I asked him why.

"It's not like I wanted to, but I thought it would be best. I didn't know how you would feel about uprooting your life and traveling with me. I felt selfish even considering asking you to do that for me."

I narrowed my eyes at him.

Harry Edward Styles, I adore you but that is not your decision to make.

"So you want me to stay here in California for seven months without you?"

I wish you would use that pretty little brain of yours every now and then, loverboy.

Okay, maybe I do need to stop hanging around Mitch so much.

"I know it sounds stupid, but tour life isn't always the best Audrey. I struggled with it so much at first and I knew that you would. It's hard to adapt to the gypsy lifestyle. I hated leaving all my friends and my family for months at a time."

I guess I saw where he was coming from, but that doesn't mean I agree with him at all. Harry needs to understand that he can't make decisions for another person. He is really bad for deciding what's best for me instead of asking me.

He only had my best interests at heart and it's really sweet to know how much he cares, but I swear to God. In all these months, Harry and I have been together and he has yet to realize that I would jump over the moon for him if he asked.

"Baby, you need to realize that only I know what's best for me. I'm the only one who decides what's best for me. I understand that you had my best interests at heart, but I know what I want. I know that I want you forever. I wouldn't mind traveling the world with you."

I noticed Harry crack a soft smile before he let it fade. He would never admit it, but all he's ever wanted was for someone to love him with every ounce of them. I could see it all over him. Harry needed to be loved, but he didn't know how it felt.

Whether they admit it or not, everybody wants the same thing. To be loved, to be in love. I'm no different and neither is Harry. We both craved love in any form. We craved the connection with someone, and thankfully we found it in each other.

I laid my hand over Harry's leg, "We can talk about touring when it gets closer, right now we need to enjoy this coffee."

Honestly, I didn't want to keep worrying about it. I spent so much of my time worrying about making memories with Harry rather than enjoying them. The thought of him leaving was always living in the back of my mind, obstructing my ability to live in the moment.

That stops now.