adore you // [h.s]

41

Audrey

Sarah and Mitch arrived at the house around eight this morning. It was another cold morning between Harry and I. I woke up to find him sleeping on the couch instead of next to me. My heart was hurting so badly.

I could barely pay attention to the art hanging on the walls. I kept staring at my feet like I was going to find comfort in a dirty pair of vans. I could hear Sarah and Mitch whispering about me. I knew they were concerned. I was an empty shell of myself. I just didn't understand.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Mitch said as he walked towards with his hands shoved into his pockets.

"M'okay." I tried to force out a smile, but I could feel the tears begging to fall from my eyes.

"I'm not gonna push you to talk about it, but I'm here for you. I'll beat the shit out of loverboy if you need me to." I chuckled ignoring the sting in my chest. The joke hit a little too close to home.

"I'll probably beat you to it." I joked back.

"Listen, if you all are having problems then you all need to talk about it."

God, I wish it was that easy.

If I could sit him down and tell him how much he was hurting me, then I would've by now. He never wants to talk to me anymore, and anytime I try I get this lump in my throat. I choke on my words, praying to God that I can form a sentence before he walks out the front door then I hear the door close.

I blamed everything on Harry being stressed out with work and needing his space, but deep down I knew that wasn't it. I just don't know if I could ever bring myself to admit that out loud, I don't want it to be real.

I don't want him to leave.

The devil on my shoulder is demanding I break his heart like he's breaking mine, but the angel is praying I give him another chance. I know that I deserve better than what I am being given at the moment, but I know the man that Harry is. I know how good he is.

I just want my Harry. The Harry that laughs at my cheesy road trips or the Harry that didn't care to treat the kitchen like a dance floor. I don't know where he's been hiding, but I wanted to find him. I needed to find him.

**

Sarah and Mitch wanted to walk me inside so they could see Harry for a minute. I didn't argue, I prayed that he would be a better of himself with them around. Maybe my Harry would resurface even if it was only for a minute.

As I walked closer to the house I could hear music. I opened the front door to be smacked with the loud music blaring from the speakers.

Unbreak the broken
Unsay these spoken words
Find hope in the hopeless
Pull me out of the train wreck
Unburn the ashes
Unchain the reactions, I'm not ready to die, not yet
Pull me out of the train wreck
(Train Wreck - James Arthur)

"Holy shit!" Sarah and Mitch said simultaneously, covering their ears while they followed behind me.

I rushed to the speakers to turn the music down. What the hell Harry?!

I looked to my right to see Harry sank into the couch. He was slumped over asleep, gripping a bottle of vodka with white knuckles. His hair was a mess, he was a mess.

"Harry?" I said while I sunk down to my knees in front of him while I pulled him to sit up straight, "Harry, what's going on?"

He barely opened his eyes to see who I was, but to be honest I don't think he would recognize me considering how much alcohol he's consumed.

"Can you please tell me what's going on?" I begged, holding back my tears. It hurt to see him like this.

I felt Mitch lay his hand on my shoulder, whispering "I'll get him." I moved out of his way so he could lift Harry off the couch.

Harry looked to Mitch with lazy eyes, "I thought you were mad at me, Mitchell." I saw Mitch divert his eyes to me quickly before he moved them back to Harry.

Mitch tried to get him to hush, but drunk Harry can't keep sober Harry's secrets. I think that's why Mitch was so scared of him. They knew why he was acting off, but they wouldn't tell me. All this time I've been hurting and they knew.

"I still don't know what to do." His words were slurred. Mitch was doing his best to hurry Harry up the stairs, but he was like dragging dead weight. "I think I need to leave her."

My heart sank to the floor. I felt all the air leave my body whenever I heard his words float through the air. Sarah and Mitch turned to look to me to gauge my reaction, but I had no clue how to react. I'm not even entirely sure how I'm still standing.

"Audrey, I-" Sarah started but I shook my head.

I didn't want her explanation, I didn't want to know why she kept it from me. I knew they both had their reasons for keeping this from me, but I didn't care enough to know. I knew they had good intentions, so I couldn't be mad.

"M'okay." I forced out another smile today. I wasn't going to react in front of anyone. I needed to decide what I was going to do.

"I can take Harry upstairs, he needs a shower," I told Mitch as I walked back over to them. I wrapped Harry's arm around my neck. "Thank you all for today, I had fun."

They both just looked at me with wide eyes. I could tell they were shocked that I hadn't completely fallen apart. Truth is, I've been falling apart for days now. I had nothing else left. I had been mentally preparing myself for him to leave me for days, so I can't say I'm surprised.

I basically drug Harry up the stairs. I walked him into the bathroom, sitting him on the floor.

"I'm going to go start the shower, I'll be right back." He nodded, keeping his eyes closed. I hurried back to see him slowly sliding onto the floor. I adjusted his body while I started to undress him, I let him know everything I was doing before I did it.

"Harry?" He hummed. "I don't know if you'll remember this or not, but I want you to know that I'm not mad at you. I don't completely understand why, but I'll be okay. I just want you to be happy."

I pulled Harry under the water, helping him stand. I was still completely clothed so I was soaking wet by the time I washed him off. I wouldn't have been as wet if Harry could've held his balance.

"Audrey?" Harry cooed. I could tell he was starting to sober up. His words weren't as slurred, "M'sorry that I've been distant. Been stressed about work." I felt the knots twist in my stomach as he lied to me.

I didn't understand why he wanted to leave me. I have been trying so hard to make sure that he's happy, was that too much? Was I trying so hard that I pushed him away?

I could feel the same sting in my chest again. I swallowed the lump in my throat to tell him it was okay and I understood. Harry begged me to come to lay down with him, but I felt like I was stuck in the mud.

I slowly crawled into bed, allowing him to hold me close to me. I laid in his arms savoring every single moment I could with him. I knew that in a few days he would come to a conclusion about what he needed to do, and I felt like I already knew the decision he was going to make.

I'm always going to adore you, Styles.