WHAT YOUR FATHER SAYS ✓

7

CHAPTER 7
M.A.Y. in The Backyard — Ryuichi Sakamoto

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I won't exaggerate but I really am lonely.

I realised that today, for the hundredth time as I stared out of my bedroom window. I romanticise my loneliness though. It can be a gift to be so independent, so self reliant and alone. You listen to your own opinions, you are free in your own thoughts, feelings and imagination. I may not fully love myself but I can see myself loving myself and that is a great thing.

I've been lonely all my life.

My siblings have always been larger than me, there's always been an unspoken distance. The age gaps between us make a difference. It's neither of our faults.

I may feel lonely but I know my brother must feel the same way. He's been disowned for years. I can't see him because there's no way of contact unless he proposes it (which is rare). He unfortunately associates me with my dreadful parents and it's not fair. At least he gets to be himself honestly, that way, he could never feel lonely. Maybe, I am, after all, the loneliest.

Esmerelda came into my room today, "Let's go shopping."

It was the time of the week to go grocery shopping. Me and Es do it together. Although, I'd rather go by myself, I don't mind it. As we walked there, I noticed a couple holding hands and the way they looked at each other created a heavy feeling in my heart.

It was odd to feel that way when seeing two people kiss. Two people who seemed devoted to give their life to each other.

Silly people.

I don't have much of an opinion on love. I'm aware that there is a difference between love and romance, between just and love too. Love is more complex than what meets the eye.

The shopping trip was fine, it felt nice to breathe in other air. As we stood in the queue, the customer in front us had dropped a glass bottle of alcohol. The red liquid spilt everywhere and it looked like a murder scene. She was argumentative, "I won't clean up this." She declared.

"I'll do it." I stepped forward. "Let me help."

Es was vexed with me. "Get up Elisa." She felt embarassed but I wasn't the one who dropped the drink?

"No. Let me clean this up."

The supermarket worker was really grateful as they helped me eventually. A smile was a nice way of thanking me as we held up the queue. "Thank you, how can I repay you?" And I replied with, "oh don't be silly, it's no problem at all. Have a nice day."

Es is usually always silent on our walks back and forth, unless I start the conversation first. She's always afraid of saying the wrong thing. But today evening, she seemed bewildered and tired. "Why are you so nice?" Is all she asked me and I was taken aback, lips and eyes unmoving.

I had an answer straight away. "The world has enough bad and mean people."

Esmerelda is a silent but good soul. "You deserve a good life."

All I could whisper was, "I do." I just agreed.