Irhaboggle Pride (2020) Quarantine Edition

Toilet Paper

"Alright guys, remember this: We're here for one thing, and one thing only!" Quincy rallied his friends.

"Toilet paper!" they replied excitedly.

"That's right," he nodded at them solemnly. "Just wear your masks, be swift and sure, and we will all get out of this alive, I swear it!"

Upon realizing that he was out of toilet paper, Quincy had been sure to tell his friends, trying to sound as dramatic and devastated as possible. In response, they offered to help him go shopping for some. Even though they were all supposed to be quarantining and social distancing, there was only so much lockdown any of them could take before it just became too much. Deciding that a group grocery run for TP would be fun, the quartet managed to set an agreement on when they would all be free to meet up and this night was the designated choice.

"Are we ready?" Quincy continued to hype up the other three.

"Yes!" they replied, deciding to play along. Maybe under more normal circumstances, they wouldn't have acted so ridiculously, but Heaven knew that these circumstances were anything but normal.

"Then let's go, go, go!" Quincy dramatically kicked open the car door, only narrowly avoiding hitting the car parked beside them. "Ooops..."

"Nice going, genius," Mallory sneered, careful to open her door a bit more gently.

"I didn't hit it!" Quincy protested, but they could see the embarrassment in his eyes.

"C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!" Emma interrupted, already sprinting to the store door like her life depended on it.

"She's got the spirit," Princeton chuckled, the last to exit the car. He was playing along too, but he'd always been the calmest of the group.

"She's crazy if she thinks she's gonna win!" Mallory snorted, then she was the next to go sprinting away.

"You thinking what I'm thinking?" Quincy asked, then he was gone.

"I guess so," Princeton chuckled darkly, then even he finally caved and went sprinting after.

But despite their antics, the shopping part was actually pretty tame. Mostly. For one, even though Quincy had wanted to make it like some epic speed run where they would "divide and conquer", sprinting down every aisle and throwing everything into the cart like it was some kind of sport, even he had the good sense to know that that would not fly.

Instead, he forced himself to act calm, polite and civil, quietly taking a single cart and gently pushing it through the store. But even though he couldn't do the mad dash he wanted to, he still got to see how far away he could throw things into the cart, and how fast he could clean an aisle.

"OMG! There it is!" Quincy gasped in reverence. Sure enough, the toilet paper shelf had been restocked. "It's so beautiful, I might cry!"

"Hallelujah! All hail the Toilet Paper Gods!" Mallory gasped, raising her hands and bowing. Behind her, Emma vocalized like an angel choir.

"I feel like a starving man who has just seen food for the first time in his life!" Quincy gasped. "This commodity is more precious than gold!"

Princeton watched the other three playfully thank the Toilet Paper Gods for this bountiful blessing of precious two-ply before simply strutting up to the shelf and grabbing a couple roles, tossing them casually into the cart.

"Alright, you crazies, let's get our TP and go before we start having to go to war with the other customers," he teased.

"Ah! You can't just throw the sacred Paper of Toilet into the cart like that!" Emma gasped, picking the packages back up out of the cart before setting them back in again, gently this time.

"You heathen!" Mallory agreed, pretending to scowl at Princeton. "Kill the nonbeliever! Strangle him with toilet paper!"

"No, he does not deserve such an honorable death!" Emma interrupted. "Just drown him in the toilet."

"As if any of you three could even catch me!" Princeton snickered. It was no secret that he was the fastest of the friend group.

"Well, we'll just leave a roll out as bait," Quincy shrugged. "You'll come crawling back to the Gods of Two-Ply for their sweet, sweet butt paper eventually. Then once that time comes, we'll just roll you up in it and BAM! We've gotcha! A perfect sacrifice for the Gods!"

"That seems like a waste of TP to me," Princeton teased. "You're going to waste one of those precious rolls just to mummify me?"

"Oh, you'd be surprised," Quincy said, finally being somewhat serious. "If you wrap it right, TP can be hard to break out of."

"But it can still be cut or torn, and that would require far more than just one roll," Princeton said. "Would you really want to waste all that on me?"

"He's right! He's a nonbeliever!" Mallory agreed solemnly. "We shouldn't waste a single square of paper on him, so I propose a new punishment: We're hoarding the TP and he's not allowed to have a single roll of this amazing butt paper!"

"Good idea!" Emma and Quincy replied, high-fiving Mallory. "We can send him pics of us rolling around in it and making TP angels later!"

"That still seems like a waste, besides, do you really think your toilet paper is safe from someone like me?" Princeton gave them all a sly wink. He was a master of deception and sneaking around. Unless the group was willing to put their TP under multiple locks and keys, Princeton would snag some eventually. The others pretended to moan in despair and anger.

"Is that a challenge?!" Mallory cried. "Then we shall take our rolls of TP and build a glorious fort that you cannot hope to penetrate!"

"I wouldn't need to," Princeton reminded her. "If you're going to build a fort out of TP, all I need to do is snag a couple "bricks", easy!"

"Hehehe, penetrate!" Quincy snickered. This sent Emma into a fit of giggles while Mallory continued to glare playfully at Princeton.

"I'll fight you right now!" she joked, picking up another large pack of TP and raising it over her head like she was going to throw it.

"Excellent, give the toilet paper right to me, why don't you?" Princeton laughed. Mallory's only response was to do just that.

"Oooof!" the package hit him with more force than expected and he stumbled back. The others began to laugh even harder.

"Hey! What are you guys doing?!" One of the store workers caught sight of Princeton on the ground, a giant pack of toilet paper on his lap, the other three standing over him and laughing like lunatics.

"Uh oh, gotta go!" Emma chirped, darting away.

"Retreat, retreat!" Quincy agreed, quickly spinning the cart around and running (but not before grabbing one last roll of toilet paper first. You could never have too much in this day and age! They had to stock up just in case...)

Meanwhile, still laughing, Mallory yanked Princeton to his feet and dragged him away. He was so light she only needed one hand to do it.

All the while, the store employee watched them go with a grave shake of his head.

"Those darn, stupid, crazy kids!" he growled. "I don't get paid enough for this job!" But a moment later, he looked up at the shelf full of TP. Despite himself, a relieved smile spread across his face. He looked to the left, then to the right, then back to the shelf. After repeating this action twice more, he quickly grabbed a small package off the shelf and sauntered away, whistling innocently and hoping that no one would notice. You could just never have too much in this day and age! They had to stock up just in case...

AN: Of course I had to write a TP fic!

One, it takes away from the gloom of the last 2 uploads.

And two, it's funny!

And three, while I've never done anything quite like this, I do love the memes about TP becoming currency, or an object to worship. While I never got sucked into the TP frenzy, my parents kind of did and would continually come home with more and more TP "just in case"

(insert eyeroll here)