s.t.a.y. | ethma

Prologue

Emma

My alarm woke me up for school, and I cursed the world for giving me a ruined sleep schedule. Senioritis is taking over my whole life.

It didn't help that Jared lived an hour away and didn't go to the same school.

I accidentally glanced at my wooden headboard, seeing the memory permanently etched into the cedar.

It was a cold night in January, and Ethan and I were cuddling after some really good sex. He smiled at me before getting up and getting his pocket knife from his jeans. He slowly started whittling my headboard until ETHAN was written in the wood. I couldn't help but giggle at him.

He put his knife away before smiling at me again. "Permanent. Just like us." He said, leaning over and giving me a long peck on the lips.

We were happy then.

Now his name taunts me, but I can't seem to let it go.

Yes, I have a boyfriend. Yes I cover Ethan's name on my headboard with masking tape when Jared's over.

Yes I still uncover it when nobody's here.

I can't help it. I just miss Ethan being in my life.

He's changed since we broke up.

According to Grayson, Ethan works out non-stop, and when he's not working out, he's partying all the time and fucking every girl who breathes around him. He's an a-list douchebag now.

We've both let ourselves go.

I've changed almost as much as Ethan has. I started smoking weed on a regular basis. It calms me down, and helps me sleep.

I'm not the same happy-go-lucky, goofy girl I was before my life took a turn for the worse last year. When Andrew violated me, and my mom was barely around.

The struggles Ethan and I went through before we got back together.

But here we are, broken up again. And knowing it was all because of me hurts me more than I know how to explain.

I couldn't be strong with everything that was going wrong in my life, and Ethan deserved better than me. Someone who can be better for him.

I didn't deserve someone like Ethan. I still think that I don't.

I'm too broken for him.

I just want what's best for Ethan, and I think that there's someone out there who's a better fit for him than me.

Jared is the next best thing. He's someone who I feel like I'm actually worthy of. Not as good as Ethan, but a better fit because we're the same level of broken.

However I feel like I'm losing my sanity every time I see Ethan's name on my headboard.

I trace the letters, wishing I was better, and that I was worthy.

Ethan's too good for me. At least the Ethan I knew was.

Although his behavior of late shows that he's struggling.

It hurts me knowing that I hurt him, but I broke up with him in his best interest. I don't want to hold him back from living his best life. I just hope he finds someone that loves him just as much as I do. I mean did.

Honestly? I actually meant do.

Regardless I needed to take time to focus on my mental health. Becoming the best me I can be. I'm still working on it, and I've got a long way to go.

I get ready and go to school, getting to my first class five minutes late.

And the only seat left in the classroom is next to the boy I haven't talked to since April.