s.t.a.y. | ethma

11

Emma
November

Ethan and I have been carrying on our secret ventures, sneaking around and finding places to be as wild with each other as we needed to.

It's been a month since we've regularly been meeting up. Mostly on weeknights or Sundays.
I usually see Jared on the weekends, so those are mostly off-limits.

Jared has his suspicions because Ethan texted me asking when I was gonna be home that night while I was hanging out with Jared.

Luckily, I changed Ethan's contact in my phone to 'E', so it was easier to play it cool.

I got home at midnight that night, and Ethan ended up coming over to my house. And driving me into my mattress. You know the drill.

He was laying on his side next to me as we both caught our breaths, our bodies sweaty but very satisfied with the night's thrill.

Ethan tucked a piece of hair behind my ear before he leaned down and pressed a soft trail of kisses to my neck. "Break up with him." He whispered.

He lifted his head to look into my eyes, waiting to see what I was gonna say next.

I've been avoiding this topic for a reason. It's time I face it. "I should, shouldn't I?"

"Please." He said, dipping his head back down to my neck. "I want you all to myself." He continued, nuzzling his nose into my neck.

I giggled. "I will. I will. I just need to figure out the right time to do it."

Ethan lifted his head again. "Just be straight up. Tell him next time you see him."

"It's complicated, Ethan. I don't know if I can just do that."

"Emma, we could finally be together again. Please. I want you to be mine. All mine. I don't like sharing you. And I don't know if I can keep this up if you're not fully in this with me. I want you to be mine. Mine only."

"I'll talk to him soon. I promise." I whispered.

Ethan's lips captured mine in a long peck. "Okay."

And I did end up talking to Jared a few days later. But it wasn't the way it should've gone.

What happened is that I decided I was gonna wait to tell him until the next time I saw him.

We were watching a movie while laying in my bed, and I had to go to the bathroom, so I got up, and when I came back the tv was paused, and Jared was standing up, and looking out the window.

"How long, Emma?"

"What?" I asked.

He turned around, slowly walking over to me, holding an opened condom wrapper that must have been forgotten about.

The thing is, Jared and I never had sex. He knows.

"You heard me. How long?"

I looked at the floor. "I'm sorry."

"Answer my damn question, Emma." He yelled.

"October."

He sighed, sitting down on my bed and putting his hand on his forehead. "Who is he, Emma?"

"Ethan." I whispered, still staring at the floor. I didn't want to see Jared's reaction.

"Ethan? You mean the guy that basically confessed his love for you on the stand? The guy you didn't tell me was your ex-boyfriend until I found out for myself at the damn trial? You didn't even tell me about him, Emma. I knew he was either not relevant, or way too important to you to be able to bring up to me."

"Let me explain." I said, sitting next to him.

So, I did explain.

I explained how Ethan and I grew up as best friends, both of us being secretly in love with each other, but both of us oblivious to the other's feelings.

I explained the depths of Ethan's and my relationship. How fast we fell in love, and how much we loved each other. Still do.

I explained how and why we broke up, and that we tried to be friends but couldn't because both of us were still in love.

How we didn't speak for months and it was torture. How Ethan's behavior turned bad, and mine did too. I explained how his name was etched into my headboard, and I even showed him. I pulled off the piece of tape.

I told him how Ethan and I hooked up for the first time since we broke up. And how we couldn't stop.

Ethan and I are still in love. There's no denying it anymore.

I was scared to break up with Jared because I was terrified of having real feelings for Ethan, and having something real again.

Jared went home angry but understanding and forgiving. I gave him all of his sweatshirts back. What made me feel even worse was that Jared forgave me at the end of all this. I didn't deserve someone as good as him.

Only people with the best hearts forgive someone for something as terrible as cheating.

I thought about how I was gonna tell Ethan that I finally did it. Jared and I finally broke up and Ethan and I could be together.

But I got fucking terrified again. What if it doesn't work this time? I don't want my heart to get broken.

Ethan and I have the worst luck.

Remember how my mom always left envelopes of money for me to take care of myself while she was gone?

Well, she's been doing that since I was 11, and I've saved up quite a bit of money over the years.

I found an old box of dark brown hair dye and dyed my hair. I now look older, and a hell of a lot different.

I already had a fake I.D., and there were only two things left to do.

I found my black book bag that I used sophomore year. It was heavy duty.

I fit about two outfits, my laptop, all of the cash I had saved, and my journal. That's all I needed.

It was a Saturday, so I went to the Verizon store and bought a new phone with a new number.

I went home, cleaned my room and said goodbye to my house.

I took my skateboard to the train station downtown and bought a ticket.

I had this feeling it wasn't gonna work out between me and Ethan.

So, I left my old phone and my car at my house and took the 2 am train to Chicago.

I didn't look back. If I looked back, I would've went back. I was too scared to look back.

I don't belong in Virginia Beach. I just don't. I need to start fresh.

A new life, with new people, a clean slate, and no more heartache. I need to live my life to the fullest. This is the only way I know how.

Nobody knows my name here. Nobody knows my story. And the best part is that they don't have to. I can be who I want.

And at the end of the day I made up my mind.

I'm better off being alone.