s.t.a.y. | ethma

2

Emma

Journal Entry #1
September 17th, 2020

I'm supposed to be writing my feelings down. I have so many thoughts running through my head, yet I sit here and ponder what to even write with this fucking blue-inked pen.

I guess I can answer the first question that anybody would ask. "How are you doing?"

This is my journal, so I'm allowed to be completely honest. I know where to keep this so that nobody reads how I'm really feeling.

If this wasn't my journal, I'd tell you that I'm doing okay. Maybe things have been rough here and there, but I've been resilient.

However, since this is my journal, I can tell you with complete sincerity that everything is not okay.

In fact, everything seems to be going wrong.

One thing that's bothering me is him. I can't even bring myself to write his name down. He was my everything, but that's the exact reason I needed to let him go. I know I hurt him, but I was trying to do what was best for both of us. My health was getting in the way, and he deserves someone who can be emotionally available.

Sure we were happy together, but so much was going on inside my mind that I couldn't even bring myself to communicate.

I wasn't and I'm still not as strong as he needed me to be.

He's too good for me. I'm too broken. Too dark. I needed to heal, and I wasn't able to do that plus be in as serious as a relationship as it was.

I guess that's kind of why I'm dating Jared.

Jared and I have been dating for three months, but all I can think about is he who I haven't yet named in this journal.

I mean, our relationship is serious, but not as serious as my previous one.

We haven't even had sex yet! It's been three months since we started dating. I broke up with unnamed seven months ago. I miss sex.

My therapist told me that writing my feelings down is a good way to express myself.

I guess this is a good enough start for now.

-Emma

I got up from my desk, walking over to my bed before I hid my journal inside one of my decorative throw pillows.

My phone buzzed in my back pocket, signaling that I received a text.

Jared: how was your day?

It was currently a couple of hours after school, and I was home alone. My mom had yet another "business trip". She's been better about being home more often, but she still ends up on these two week trips all the time.

Emma: it was okay I guess. mom hasn't been home and I'm missing you

One thing that absolutely sucked about Jared living an hour away, is that we mostly only got to see each other on the weekends.

Jared: I'll come see you for a couple hours if you want.

Emma: you'd drive all the way here just to see me for a couple hours?

Jared: of course I would

Emma: 🥰 come overrrrr

Jared: I'm leaving my house in ten. See you in about an hour. 45 if traffic is light 😉