Unspoken Truth

Until nobody care

They say when you are depressed, you should consult with anybody around you like your friends and family. 

They say that would reduce your pain and toxic feeling you have in your mind when you let those thoughts come out of your mouth.

They say if you do not have friends to consult with, you should try consulting it with your family, but what they do not know that she got no family to have enough courage to care about her. Not even a little bit.

When she is depressed, she stays silent, she barely moves her body, she barely speaks anything to anyone. She could not wake up feeling powerful because she spends late night thinking, talking to herself and her imaginary friend and then she cries herself to sleep. 

Then nobody would ask her a word, why she is being like that? Therefore, her family thinks that she is lazy when she could not move quickly to do anything. They think her physical being is just a pretending to avoid doing the family household chores. 

She could not reply back to them because she is dead inside, she feels numb, she could not feel her pain anymore, she got no emotion, she got no energy to fight back those words that her family has accused her of. 

She is just wishing, hoping and keep praying to god for his mercy to put her enough strength so that she could fight this situation. 

In her mind, she tries to calm herself when she hears those negative words that was spilled from her parents' mouth. She keeps pulling her strength as strong as possible until she could go to the bathroom, take a long shower and crying herself silently. Then she would go to bed and start thinking, talking to herself and her imaginary friend again. When some points, she talks about something that touches her feeling, she would cry like a river. She would hug herself tight and sorry to herself for hurting her own feeling. She would tell herself that god always stay behind her and this fucking moment will soon be faded and her fucking depression will soon be taken away. 

She would smile and cry and the same time when she dreams of something that is not even exist in her life. She likes to imagine a lot about the possible things that would turn out to be someone who could be there right beside her some day in the future. 

Then morning comes, her parents see her restless face; they say " JUST GO DIE IF LIFE FOR YOU REALLY SUCKS YOU SO BAD LIKE THIS, JUST GO KILL YOURSELF...I TIRED TO SEE YOU LIKE THIS EVERYDAY, JUST GO KILL YOURSELF AND STOP LETTING ME SEE YOU AGAIN."

After she hears those words, she cries and runs to her bedroom. She writes herself on random app just to let people know that nobody care about her whether she dies or she struggle her life so badly, nobody care to ask her question " HOW WAS YOUR DAY TODAY or  IS EVERYTHING ALRIGHT or  DO YOU NEED TO TALK BECAUSE I AM FREE?" there is nobody, nobody cares about her existence.

And that is how this page exist.

That is her daily life. 

I am depressed, nobody cares about me if I die.

I am dead inside, I could longer feel any pain anymore. I feel numb, I want somebody to talk to everyday. I want to share my day to anybody. 

I cry myself to sleep almost everyday and nobody would ask me the next day what was happening to me even if they saw my eyes became bloodshot and swollen. 

I pray to god every night to put me enough strength to overcome this. I ask my great grand parents soul almost every times, whenever I could no longer survive this shit or whenever I am so fucking tired to even lift myself out of bed every morning or whenever I stay up late till morning and cry.... I ask them to take me with them so that I can no longer feel this pain. 

I am tired, I am broken, I am lonely ....

Can you at least feel my pain and talk to me? 

Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, I am begging you.