Unspoken Truth

Numbness

It has been 3 days since we last talked. 

It has been 3 days that I wake up early in the morning around 3-4 am.

It has been 3 days that I feel stress, anxious, and upset.

You know what? 

Before I decide to reach you directly through your DM, I thought this could turn to what I have always expected it to be through all of these years.

I thought you would appreciate my feeling towards you, you would understand me or at least show as much appreciation as you can to me.

But it turned out to be so stupid than ever before. By reaching out to you, I felt I was stupid. I felt I was left behind. I felt like I was a whore, starving for you attention toward me.

 I expected too much from you. You ignored me, you lied to my questions, you were so cold toward me. You keep hiding things from me, you know, I thought after all these days, you could be open to me after the fact that you know I have been checking on you and thinking about you almost every day. 

You showed no interest in me, you only told me some words, just few words of your feeling. 

You know how hard for me to handle this feeling?

I am tired, I stressed myself out, I want to cry but I could not. I know longer feel pain, I only feel numb. 

I feel empty. I feel I am useless, nobody needs me. Nobody is willing to care about my existence. All of the things that I feel bad about and I hide it in the depth of my mind, once again, start to occur and shake me so hard that I could not stop thinking.

At least, you should leave me some more words than that. At least, you have to show me my value, show me that I truly deserve respect and appreciation. Show me that you also thinking of me too when you feel bad about something. Show me that my existence matters to you. 

At least, just talk with me more than that. Just do not be cold toward me. 

But you did not do that.

I could not concentrate on my works, my lessons, and my conversation with my friends. My mind keep on thinking of you, the imagination of you that I thought you could be. I feel bad, I feel stuck in the depth of loneliness, sadness, and regret.

I think it would be better if I did not reach out to you directly through DM. I think if I did not reach out to you, you will treat me more respect than that. 

You want to know how I felt when I saw your text saying "Is Pivee including in my IG account, if so, you feel you are familiar of me."

I told you, I was so happy that there was a possible chance for me in your mind. I smile myself like crazy, I could not stop myself from thinking good between the connection of me and you. I kept on smiling during my sleep and I kept on thinking of you.

After that, I spilled the secret of you replying to my question poll, then that was when It began to an end which I honestly did not expect it to end this fast.

I had been waiting for your messages when I saw your request on that anonymous account of mine. I kept on looking in my DM until finally, I was able to see you texting me, leaving me a message said that "Who are you srsly?" I almost jumped at that time, but I controlled myself not to.

Continue to where you knew who I was after I spilled the tea, you said "Skol u bat"...That phrase meant so much to me, It left me stunt, nervous, and happy at the same time. 

You told me that it was actually the first reply ever for you on stranger's post. You said you only replied when you feel connected to it since it was sad. 

I was happy to the max, you know? I thought at least all these years, I have someplace in your heart and mind. God knew I deserved this. I smiled so big that I could not close my mouth.

THEN you said you just a normal man, nothing was special about you, you were just a sad man. Said that I do not have to worry about you. 

Do you know how bad I felt?

I suddenly felt drift apart, I felt our connection immediately would come to an end, and I was right. We stopped chatting, I felt pain but I could not reach you anymore because you treated me so bad that made me feel stupid.

All these years, It only worth one night like this, a night the person that I always feel connected to, with no reason, ends up treating me coldly like this. 

You showed me without even have to speak it out that my effort was useless, I do not deserve any value from you. I do not get enough appreciation and respect from you. You left me in the depth of sadness and regret, Do you know it?

I think maybe I get to write this feeling out, I would get to cry myself to sleep tonight and stop thinking about you, but actually, I feel even worse. I still feel numb, I could not cry and I even could not telling my best friend about this because I know that she will scold me harshly about this stupid thing. 

I think everything would turn out to be great, but no it was not.

I hope you feel me.

You hurt me.

You broke me.

You left me.

Why did you do that, why did you treat me so bad like that? Whyyyyy?

I do not know when I decide to leave this out to you, but I know that you will probably get to see this when I finally heal myself and move on from you.

Your existence strangely makes me so connected to, yet so painful to walk out.

11:30 p.m. 

13th July 2020, Third day.