Unspoken Truth

Screw you

You know what? I tried to forget you these days, I tried very hard not to think of you, but you still popped up in my mind.

I know the fact that what you did to me, almost anything was meaningless to you, it's just the ordinary thing of you to do with somebody. You did that to almost every girls you know. You did that to everybody, and I misunderstood you for that. I thought I was special to you, I thought you have some space in your heart that contains me, but no, you didn't have that. 

You just want to chill with me and nothing much than that. You had no mate to talk to, that's why you used me. You not only used me for helping you in your works, but you also used me emotionally just to make you feel satisfy your lonely need.

You are really a douche, stupid fucking dickhead, I fucking hate you for that. Why did you used me? Why you made me feel special out of sudden and then you used me and now you left me like nothing ever happened between us? What's on you mind? Why the fuck did you have to do that, huh? Don't you feel me? I know how much you hurt because of your former partner, but you don't have to use me for that. Don't you know about sin and karma? 

Actually, I have to blame myself for real. I was stupid enough to let you fool my mind. I was so fool to believe you and all the words that you said. I lied myself and fooled my fucking mind just to be with you. I was so fucking stupid to believe in the possibility between us. I was so dumb that I couldn't control myself from thinking of you. I was so crazy that I couldn't stop talking about you to my people. I was so crazy right now. I could'n't think of anything except you.

For real man, I really don't want that fucking day to happen. I wish I could turn back time. I wish I didn't know you. I wish we kept on being stranger to one another. I wish you didn't act this sweet, brave, mature, and caring about me like this. I wish you were someone different than the person you are today. I wish you told me the exact feeling that you had on me. I wish you told me why you fucking did that stupid shits to me. I wish you knew I was hurt and painful because of you. I wish you knew about it and apologized to me. I wish you experienced this hurtful feeling the same as me. I wish you felt so much pain like I did. I wish someone would turn your world upside down and control your feeling that you couldn't concentrate on anything just like what you did to me. I wish you experienced the same. You fucking stupid. You are a douche, bad ass, motherfucker, and dickhead. 

Do you wanna know how I feel when I know that girl mention about her classmate actually does the same thing to her?

I told you, I knew for real, I knew that person was you. I felt betrayed, pain, heartbreak, sad, regret, and lonely all at once.

I question myself why I have to meet these kind of people like you in my life? Why these kind of people like you keep on appearing in my existence? Why there are so many of you playing with my heart and soul? Why? Do I owe you something from the previous life? Why you guys keep haunting me? I have experienced so much and I hope you know that it is not easy to pass each moments. 

I feel tough, painful and completely dumb right now. I know I should have deserved better. But why? Why did you do that? Why you cross the line? Why did you give me that false hope? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

God, please stop sending these kind of people into my life. I am tired and I want to rest. I want peace in my mind, heart, and soul. I don't want you to test me by sending these kind of people into my life. Don't you know it hurt me so bad? Don't you have some mercy on me, the one who always believe in you and pray to you all nights, don't you hear me saying all these things to you? God, please pity me. I know this is a test that you give me but it's just too much. The previous month, I have to experience a tragic moment in my life by losing a connection with "P"and suddenly you sent him into my life and made me thought positively about him and the connection. But right now, you make me question and doubt myself a lots. You make me lost in the path of my life. I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't eat peacefully, I couldn't sleep tightly, I couldn't be that happy, I couldn't enjoy my food as much as I did in the past. Why you keep on taking things away from me? Why you keep on sending temporary things to me if at the end you clearly know that you will take it back? HUH? why though? 

God, I always believe in you. Please pull me more strength to me so that I can handle this. God, please have some mercy on me so that I can be peaceful in my mind, heart, and soul. God, please tell me that I will deserve great news and many more good things, people, opportunities in the future. I know you are preparing all those things to me. I know you love me as much as I love you. I know you won't let me feel disappointed. I know you trust me, too. I know you keep staying behind me and patting my back whenever I lost myself and feel discourage to move on. I know you always stay beside me. I know you always care about me, and I know you always believe in me in fighting with all of the obstacles that you have sent to me. I know you believe in my strength in life. I know you want me to improve myself, find myself, love myself, distract myself from those fucking stupid shits in my life, I know you want me to find me. 

But please God, now I am truly hurt. I am in pain. I feel empty and sorrow, I feel sadness hit me hard. I feel so bad, and I couldn't cry which is make it even worse. Please, God understand me! Please tell me that I survive this, I win this test, I will receive more great news and opportunities in my life in the future. I will receive all the things that I always want. I want you prepare me all of those, thanks god, I truly appreciate you effort in doing so. I truly bless to know you. I truly thank you for all of these years. It was pretty tough, but you were always there. Thanks for your comfort and understanding. I cherish you.