lukewarm (krii7y)

higher power

⚠️ mentions of trauma, implied PTSD
A/N: and stuff that will make sense later dw
a shorter chapter of 1700 words, sorry. another chapter this Wednesday as usual. I've written about 3 chapters ahead bc I'm crazy
—
"I ain't been doing way too good lately
I'm losing signal in the hills, I'm having difficulties
Calling on my angels
It's getting darker and I'm starting to get anxious"

Chase Atlantic - Angels

published 17:48 bst
—

"The first thing I did when I got to my mom's house...I smelled all her clothes. Any scent of her, anything I could find. Perfume. Stuff she wore a lot."

His therapist, Evan Fong, nodded to show he was listening. There were scars on his chin and neck that were noticeable, but John didn't comment. What he was hearing wasn't unusual. But this patient was different to the others. There was something about his eyes that revealed much more than the rest of his exterior; he was reckless, he was lost, and his head was foggy.

"It's common when there's a death, especially of someone in the family," Mr Fong reassured him.

Then Mr Fong's eyes glanced to his patient happily speaking away laying flat on the floor. That was a new one he hadn't seen before, and he had to keep on asking him if he was comfortable every couple of minutes, but he seemed at peace down there.

"Why do you think you haven't told your boyfriend about your past?"

"Because I see how differently people act. Cautious. Hesitant. But he's raw. He's real, and he's fucked up."

Mr Fong questioned in his head how he could find those character traits attractive, but moved on. John talked about Jaren some more, leaving out the gory details and talking about his boyfriend more as a person.

"And I love that he doesn't know about the one thing that makes me vulnerable," John confessed.

— —

Two weeks later, Jaren and John were eating sushi. They were the only gay couple in the restaurant and it made Jaren a little anxious, but as long as John had food in his mouth he was happy.

John blushed a little when dessert came to their table. He hadn't ordered any, but figured that Jaren had for him. His boyfriend knew how much he loved peaches, but he had to admit he loved fruit salad even more. The American navigated his way through the fruit salad with only his fingers, getting some strange looks off people in the restaurant. His rings clashed against the fruit, making it more of a challenge.

"When I was younger, we lived off this for a while. I thought everyday was Christmas because of it, but my big sister would always give me hers. I only understand why now," John explained.

He wasn't one to waste a fruit salad, and carried on. Jaren was staring at him and he was feeling emotion but couldn't bring himself to open up. In fact, he wasn't even sure if that was what John wanted. How was he even supposed to be in a relationship? It was in that moment that Jaren realised they had completely different upbringings. John's family were broke, and his family had wealth.

"And...it had to be England. It's where she's always wanted to go. Historic places in London. Fresh countrysides. A ridiculous number or accents," John answered his question from the roadtrip.

Naturally, John was waiting for Jaren to give him something back, but he didn't. The American wouldn't say he was disappointed, he just expected a little more. Maybe that's where he realised they were missing an emotional connection.

"I was thinking, it might be nice for us to do more things like this," Jaren suggested.

It wasn't what John wanted to hear exactly, so he wrinkled his nose briefly and acted as if everything was fine, nodding accordingly. He closed part of his heart off a little to prevent himself from getting hurt. Maybe love was too strong a word to describe what he was feeling. Maybe it was best not to say it.